"Becoming a mother is a trial by fire"
Posted on | October 27, 2005 | 12 Comments
Growing up, I bucked up against my mother fiercely. I felt similar to my father with my academic, intellectual habits: late nights devouring books and talking about ideas. But I almost felt scornful of my mother who was quiet and shy. She would ask me to keep my voice down in public places, and when we fought, she would use silence to win every time.
In many ways I simply took my mother for granted. She was just my mother—the one who cooked meals, and drove me places. It was only after my father died that I started to get to know the woman she really is. Perhaps she too began to know herself then, differently, finally out of my father’s shadow.
And, though I think my mother would say that she is still unsure of her own voice, after so many hearing my father’s, she is becoming someone whose words I admire. She observes the world carefully, noticing the smallest of things; constantly connecting the big picture and the small. Since Bean, I have grown to understand that her quiet attitude of giving and her selflessness came not from lack of self confidence, but from her vast love for her children.
Last night she wrote me this:
Ah yes, Christina, you are getting it: motherhood. Nothing prepares you for it, that is one sure thing. I cannot imagine that heart surgery is more intricate or painful than the push/pull of a mother’s being as it continues to form a womb around her child. A kangaroo pouch would be so much simpler! The gods give us women this incredible learning around compassion. Of course dads feel it too, but, I believe, in a different way. Their very skin hasn’t been stretched beyond belief leaving memory marks. Nor has their body carried the growing weight of a child. I think men in battle, caring for their wounded, must feel a similar stretching of their being—as buddies die or are profoundly wounded in front of them. Maybe that is why motherhood, and war, have existed down the ages. There are many ways to experience this selflessness. But becoming a mother is a trial by fire.
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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October 28th, 2005 @ 7:02 am
oh wow, what a wonderful woman your mother is. what a beautiful note. I now understand why and how you’ve grown into such an amazing and inspiring person and mother yourself. I have a very distant relationship with my mother, it’s very complicated, so I really envy yours. not in a jealous way. but more in a “that’s the kind of bond I want to create between my children and myself” kinda envy. thank you for sharing. hope you and Bean feel better today.
October 28th, 2005 @ 8:24 am
Your mother sounds like an amazing woman. Thanks for sharing her words.
October 28th, 2005 @ 8:47 am
a quiet genius your mother is…
October 28th, 2005 @ 9:04 am
I love your mother
October 28th, 2005 @ 9:46 am
Lovely words and even more lovely that she took the time to write them. She’s a poet in her own way.
October 28th, 2005 @ 10:46 am
well that pierced me! Living through a difficult time with my own daughter just now and wondering how I’ll make it through the day with this giant lump in my throat.
October 28th, 2005 @ 10:54 am
Well, that just explains why you are the special person you are today, doesn’t it? Thanks for sharing…
October 28th, 2005 @ 12:54 pm
I’m so glad you’re finding a friend in your mom. She sounds perfectly wonderful. Moms are the best!
October 28th, 2005 @ 2:09 pm
I’ve been lurking for a long time and I had to tell you that I read your mother’s words to a friend who is raising her daughter alone. They are truly beautiful and powerful words. Your blog takes my breath away on a regular basis, thank you for letting me glimpse your world.
October 28th, 2005 @ 2:26 pm
so that’s the source of your talent…
October 28th, 2005 @ 3:02 pm
Your mother’s words brought tears to my eyes. Thank her for her truth and thank you for sharing with us, your readers.
October 29th, 2005 @ 9:10 am
Wow. I see that writing runs in the family. =)