Moody
Posted on | May 4, 2006 | 14 Comments
All day I felt tender, my heart prone to easy bruising. I awoke after too few hours of sleep to little Bean pressing the buttons on the clock radio, causing some sort of very lively Indian music to spew forth LOUDLY. It was kind of funny, in that other-worldly, ‘this isn’t really happening to me’ kind of way.
From there the moments just continued to fracture. Everything today felt out of synch, like I was always playing catch-up with each moment. Sadness kept staining the space around me as though it were the pigment seeping from crushed petals. So much is undecided. (I got an interview on Monday, and I’m terrified; we’re going out of town for the weekend—our first overnight hotel trip with Bean; there are only three weeks are left before we have to move; I think I have a stress fracture in my right shin, but I have to wait until Tuesday to see my very busy doctor.)
Guilt always crowds in at times like these. Bean didn’t really get any sit-down meals today except lunch, and his nap times were totally off. And, though I’m already sick of writing about the disappointment of my mother’s visit, she keeps creeping back in: hers is the voice that narrates guilt for me, and today I heard “I would never do that,” a hundred times as I fed Bean organic alphabet soup from a can, and let him bang wildly on a plastic piano in a toy store when he should have been napping.
But there was also this: the rainbow tonight driving home. And before it, a wash of gold over the distant mountains. The sky was filled with storm clouds as DH and I ate calzones for dinner on the lawn at our new house. Bean napped in the car. From below us, the sonic trilling of peepers drifted up. And when Bean woke, we took a walk, just the two of us, hand in hand. Through tall grasses, and then under the low-hanging cloud of apple blossoms, almost blooming. Five gnarled apple trees, their branches leaning earthward, make up a perfect hideaway.
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14 Responses to “Moody”
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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May 5th, 2006 @ 12:33 am
We’ve been off here as well, everything raw and deeply emotional. Must be the stars or the wobble of the earth, because it seems to be all over. Hugs to you, my dear friend. So sorry it’s been moody out there!
May 5th, 2006 @ 4:55 am
That mood seems to be prevailing over here too. What can we do to shoo it away? I think you have so much going on that it’s not strange at all that you feel a bit discombobulated. Keep in mind that things don’t have to be perfect, and that Bean will not be the worse for a few missed naps, in the long run, anyway.
May 5th, 2006 @ 7:25 am
I call it a funk. And ti happens to me when I have too much on my plate. Which, I tend to be prone to allowing these days. It also comes with it’s fair share of pimples and ice cream binges.
May 5th, 2006 @ 11:21 am
Sending you positive energy and good wishes for your interview on Monday. Just remember – if it’s meant to be, then it will happen for you … otherwise there is something else that is more perfect out there for you. (something I have to keep telling myself and my husband right now too).
Don’t sweat the lack of naps and sit down meals too much. It’s only a day out of his life that won’t really make too much difference at the end of the week. It’s probably like a holiday for him!! (something else I have to tell myself sometimes). It is funny how stress has a way of trickling down through every facet of our lives. good thoughts to you.
May 5th, 2006 @ 11:58 am
you will rock on monday. you have an amazing gift of how to view life and your little Bean is growing up fully in the richness of your absorption of all things living around you. and it’s not just soup in a can- it’s organic soup for pete’s sake! I think you’re an amazing mom and that the kids who will be your students next year are going to be so very lucky to have you in their life. mom’s are always the roughest “topography”. we strive to find the similaries in each other. I’m learning that it’s not similarities that happen, but an evolution of themselves (mom’s) That realization has helped me with my 69 year old mom and my 8 year old daughter.
May 5th, 2006 @ 2:26 pm
the picture…the words…pure poetry!
May 5th, 2006 @ 3:32 pm
I feel guilt like that too, when Jack falls asleep in the car instead of napping in his bed or when three days go by without having a sit down lunch. Soup from a can is a blessing on busy days!
May 5th, 2006 @ 3:36 pm
I feel like these times are fragile; you’re words resonate with me in many ways. I’m glad though, that you’ve found beauty in the face of uncertainty…..calm blue ocean is what I always say to myself in times like this and I try to believe its true.
May 5th, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
Your words are so helpful, for those of us on the same journey of feeling “off” right now. I also fel guilty about many of these things…like KNOWING that Madam should be napping, but needing to get out of the house with her screaming self for a bit.
Teaching him flexibility will only help in the future.
Good luck with the interview. My goodness, they would be lucky to have you.
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU for posting about those hard-Mama guilt days.
May 5th, 2006 @ 5:02 pm
We all have those off days, but you wrote about yours so beautifully, that by the end it sounded quite lovely!
May 6th, 2006 @ 11:49 am
I’m so happy knowing you have balance in your life, though. It helps me to give thanks, when I can climb out of my hole, in order to survive a funk. You have such abundance. I smile when I read your posts, there is just so much love and you articulate so beautifully, Christina. Chin up!
May 7th, 2006 @ 3:19 pm
I could have completely related oh so long ago. But now my mother is gone. Forever. Not dead, just gone. I’ve never been happier. You’re an amazing Mom, don’t let anyone get you down.
May 8th, 2006 @ 12:15 pm
sending you sisterhood vibes to feel balanced in your “off”ness.
i have to catch up on your bloggie and go read about your mother’s visit. but just by what you shared here in this post, i can already feel myself resonating with you. i also have two older sister’s that love to mother me and tell me exactly what they wouldn’t do.
i have always been different than them. i just wish they could accept that and embrace me.
your dinner on the grass and walk hand in hand sounded peaceful and healing.
much love and hugs.
boho xoxoxo
May 8th, 2006 @ 4:55 pm
Oh Lord. I just spent the weekend with my family and it turned me into a mass of writhing nerves, just the balance of trying to make sure everyone is happy and things are okay. You are a fabulous, natural mother, and you are raising Bean to be content in your love for him, the fun of changing the routine, the refusal to be less creative and active because of his arrival. I admire you endlessly, and hope to be very much like you when I grow up.
Sending you lots of good thoughts on your interview TODAY!