Self portrait as an elephant
Posted on | July 18, 2006 | 17 Comments
The giving, the always tugging, scrambling, jungle gym antics that my body has grown accustomed to, since him.
‘Here honey, you can hand mama the toilet paper, but no you can’t flush while I’m going. No, stop. Okay, four flushes is really enough.’
Banal things I never knew to cherish have become ornately choreographed two person acts.
I think of elephants, while we brush our teeth. Our arms like trunks, entwined each morning: his little hand holding my brush, while I frantically wiggle his brush around trying to get all four quadrants of his mouth before he grows board of the process entirely.
Or waking to his fierce affection: an inquisitive finger up my nose, perhaps, or a wet series of kisses planted on a partially open eye. My body is no longer really my own, though I try to claim it. My padded cup bras have returned, now that I’ve stopped nursing.
“They’re really small now, huh?” DH may have commented last night, the way one might comment on zucchinis.
I stand in front of the full length mirror looking at the geography of stretch marks, muscle and soft flab that my body has become, and feel the familiar disaffection rise like bile.
Then I try to remember: tomorrow I’ll wake, and before I’m fully conscious, my body will lift and carry me through a thousand small movements. I’ll kiss my husband, carry my son to our bed, press his tousled head to my cheek, and fend of his clobbering embrace.
Tomorrow I’ll wake, and my body, without being asked, will consent to the daily task of lifting and carrying, like an elephant bowing to permit a human so small, to clamber up onto her back.
More ‘self portraits as…’ here.
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July 18th, 2006 @ 11:47 pm
That’s a beautiful collage. Very nice!!
July 19th, 2006 @ 12:46 am
I love this. I truly love it. I love your words – I know where you are at. Honest to goodness fantastic – thank-you!
July 19th, 2006 @ 1:05 am
I am bananas over this. well, I love the photo collage and (of course) your words but something about the elephant idea. brilliant, beautiful.
July 19th, 2006 @ 1:10 am
Those are soooo beautiful.
July 19th, 2006 @ 1:34 am
I love this. The picture collage is beautiful and the words make th whole thing perfect. I needed to read this today. Thanks!
July 19th, 2006 @ 1:45 am
Wonderful analogy. And the photos are beautiful!
July 19th, 2006 @ 1:53 am
I am in love with these photos…almost as much as I am with the words that accompany them.
Clearly, you appreciate the wonder of being a mother.
July 19th, 2006 @ 5:43 am
I like the carrying analogy … and the body parts. Gorgeous idea.
July 19th, 2006 @ 12:05 pm
I know all of these feelings so well…
But what do I care about flab, now that there are Spanx?
July 19th, 2006 @ 4:14 pm
beautiful
July 19th, 2006 @ 5:28 pm
these are gorgeous pictures!
July 19th, 2006 @ 6:42 pm
The picture of your hands holding his sandy little feet is stunning! WOW!
Great thoughts too!
July 20th, 2006 @ 12:32 am
The photos are gorgeous. They were taken by someone who loves you very much, and knows how to capture just the right stuff. I wish I had that kind of eye following me and the kids around with a camera!
July 20th, 2006 @ 8:14 am
Stunning, Christina.
July 20th, 2006 @ 10:40 am
Totally delightful, beautiful, moving. xo
July 20th, 2006 @ 10:20 pm
Those pictures are so amazing. Love the little sandy toes!
..Lovely writing…
July 22nd, 2006 @ 12:02 am
EEEEP! Everywhere I look, sweet baby feet!
What a beautiful post, Christina. Bursting with love and funny moments, those ‘ornately choreographed two person acts’.