Wednesday Notebook
Posted on | August 23, 2006 | 24 Comments
Have you ever felt like your heart is outside you, irretrievably scattered like the thousand small pieces in some jigsaw puzzle without a box?
Was it like this? Coming home after hours (like decades) away, and your little one doesn’t want to accept your hug, and then calls for Daddy when you’re putting him to bed.
Tell me, have you ever felt this fragility, this quaking tenderness, this dislocation?
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24 Responses to “Wednesday Notebook”
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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ALWAYS:
August 23rd, 2006 @ 10:06 pm
every
single
day
August 23rd, 2006 @ 10:22 pm
Yes.
The first time was when my firstborn cried when I picked him up from his first day at the sitter. He was 6 weeks old. He cried and cried. She said “let me hold him for a sec while you get his stuff together”. I handed him over, and he immediately quieted. I was convinced that in one day he loved her better.
And every day since, at some point, I have felt just as fragile. Kids will do that to you.
August 23rd, 2006 @ 10:52 pm
I stumbled upon your website a little while back and I’ve been taken by your writings and photos. It seems writers are the real inspiration to other writers sometimes, and you make me want to write more.
This post hit home for me. I have a little boy who is almost four and I went back to work when he was two. It took my heart out of my chest, placed it on a playground, and stomped on it until it no longer looked like anything I recognized. I won’t say it gets easier… it just is what it is. But Bean is a lucky, lucky little boy to have you.
August 23rd, 2006 @ 11:23 pm
Yes. It hurts hard.
(I am sorry. And I emphasize.)
August 23rd, 2006 @ 11:24 pm
What the hell is emphathize? I am too sad to type real words, apparently.
August 24th, 2006 @ 12:00 am
Hmmm… yes I have. Sorry yours is in that state at the moment. It hurts. I know.
August 24th, 2006 @ 2:51 am
oh yes, oh definitely. But this too shall pass, it will. Parents take turns having their feelings hurt. Huge hugs.
August 24th, 2006 @ 7:20 am
Oh. I’m so sorry to read this, Christina. You’ll find the balance.
August 24th, 2006 @ 8:25 am
Yes.
August 24th, 2006 @ 8:31 am
Oh you scare me. I’m due to go back to work next year when my little guy is 14 months old. I don’t want to. I desperately don’t want to leave him in childcare three days a week. But that is how it is to be. And I’m holding my breath already. I feel for you. I truly do. I hope it gets easier.
Kathie
August 24th, 2006 @ 9:26 am
I’ve had days like these but then are the days that my son gives me a big bear hug after a day at daycare and his grin is so wide I think his face will crack. It’s the low days that make me appreciate the bear hug days sooooooo much!!
August 24th, 2006 @ 9:28 am
Everyday… And I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I believe everyone just gets “used” to it all…I long to be home with my children, and my youngest, my 8 yr old has missed out on me being around to be do alot of the things that mommies do for their kids, heck just being home after he gets out of school… makes me sad, having to work sucks…
August 24th, 2006 @ 11:11 am
I have…and I do…and your image captures it brilliantly.
August 24th, 2006 @ 1:43 pm
Mine calls me by his daycare providers name every once in awhile.
Ouch.
August 24th, 2006 @ 2:49 pm
Yup. On a regular basis. Like when we had lunch with my ex, and my son told me to go away so he could just talk to Daddy (whom he sees less often than he sees me). *sigh* It passes, but it stings at the moment. Kids’ feelings change from minute to minute, so just make sure to track the big picture and not give too much weight to a difficult moment/day. *hug*
August 24th, 2006 @ 5:32 pm
Yuck. Porter just started that with me too. He screamed when I came near him just after a nap the other day – he only wanted Dada. I sat down and BALLED my eyes out. I can’t explain the pain I felt in my chest – it is horrible when the most important thing in your life doesn’t think you are the most important thing any longer. At least it is good to know it is normal. It makes those times when they run up to kiss you even sweeter, doesn’t it??
August 24th, 2006 @ 8:35 pm
When I was about two my parents went on holiday for no more than a week and I stayed with my aunt and uncle. When it came time to pick me up and we got in the car, I wouldn’t even look at my mum and I just sat facing out the window with my arms outstretched crying “Auntie Betty, Auntie Betty.” My poor mum. But it didn’t last long and it won’t for you either. Kids are highly adaptable.
August 25th, 2006 @ 4:09 am
C, as a parent to be, you probably should take the advice of all of the official Moms, but sounds to me like Bean is just pissed off and misses you. New routines take us adults time to get used to and I am sure this too will pass.
love from london,
c
August 25th, 2006 @ 8:12 am
awwwwwww…
theres nothing like that
to break your heart…
but it will pass,
it’s just adjustment…
August 25th, 2006 @ 12:22 pm
I know it comes from a place of anguish, but I love this drawing. Great representation of the pain of mother/child separation, whatever the reason.
August 25th, 2006 @ 12:44 pm
my heart is always on my sleeve and it hurts when other bump into it. nice finding you.
~dps
August 25th, 2006 @ 5:45 pm
so much is going on for you right now– god. plus the season is changing, starting a new job, Bean is now weaned, new home– it’s so much at once. I hope it gets back to the sweet place soon.
August 27th, 2006 @ 11:20 am
my oldest is ten and I still feel like this every time I drop him at school and he won’t let me kiss him goodbye in public.
but it ebbs and flows just like life… sometimes he smothers me in giant hugs and tells me he loves me nine hundred times. in the privacy of our house, when no one else is in the room, where he is protected from embarassment, of course.
August 30th, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
Yes. I don’t work, but when my son was severely sick with an asthma attack that needed emergency medical attention in the middle of the night (he was about 5), he wanted his daddy to take him to the ER, not me. I had to stay behind with his little sister who was asleep. It broke my heart. What kid doesn’t want his mommy when he’s sick?? Apparently mine. *sigh* Know he loves you, and you are always mommy. But it’s hard in the moment.