The helter skelter arc of my heart
Posted on | October 27, 2006 | 17 Comments
I took the day off from work, feeling crumpled and exhausted and near-to-tears. Work, post-traumatic stress, and life in general, has me feeling more anxious and more depressed than I have possibly ever felt in my life. Mostly, it’s the whole post-trauma stuff, which seems to permeate everything else.
Because I am an optimist, a glass-half-full dreamer, it is unnerving to be here on the brink of sorrow. Doubt, like an unbalanced weight, threatens to pull me over the edge. And perhaps the worst part of this is I’ve always been a mind-over-matter type of person and suddenly I’ve come slamming up against the fact that I can’t just mind-over-matter this all away. My body has internalized the stress of it all, and I’ve been sick in this low-grade kind of way that has me always feeling thin skinned and raw.
So I took the day off and reveled in a morning all to myself—no toddler, no kids all asking for help in unison, no colleagues asking for favors—just me and some writing and a tall frothy latte.
Then I took a nap. It was that weird kind of sleep where semi-consciousness hovers close. Every few minutes I felt like I was almost awake, and, for a moment upon waking after an hour of sleep, I felt sure I had not slept at all. But I had, and the day outside had gone from grey to a perfect autumnal blue.
I took Bean in the backpack for an hour hike through woods, stopping every so often to listen to the sounds of the woods and smell the crisp autumn air. We’d stop, both of us nearly holding our breath, and listen to the sound of water, to the occasional crow calling overhead, and then, suddenly and more than once, to the report of a gun. Damn hunters. I sang softly walking along the spungy trail, not wanting to be mistaken.
Home again, DH and I immediately launched into an argument, that in retrospect had everything to do with the fact that I wanted to be taken care of and hardly anything to do with whatever puppet topic we pulled onto the stage. But later, after I’d left for town he called, and we talked until we came to some sort of understanding, and he met me there for dinner. It was cold out, and I was glad for my down jacket. We at kebabs and crepes from street vendors, and sipped creamy hot chocolate from the local chocolatier, and had a lovely time.
So I guess I’m stubbornly scrabbling out of the hole I’m in. It seems a lot like one step forward, two steps back, but there’s movement, and many exquisite moments. I am grateful for this—that I have not lost my capacity for joy.
(Here are a few pictures, still with the crappy camera.)
Comments
17 Responses to “The helter skelter arc of my heart”
Leave a Reply
I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
DAILY ART:
Follow:
Tags
Categories
Archives
ALWAYS:
October 28th, 2006 @ 12:27 am
For a crappy camera, the photos are beautiful. And I’m thrilled you took a day off for yourself. I envy you, actually!
October 28th, 2006 @ 1:04 am
I came upon your website thru a friend named Ali Edwards who is also an artist. I normally don’t post comments on other people’s blogs, but I have to tell you that your writing absolutely captivates and inspires me!!
The surroundings in which you live looks so peaceful, serene and just absolutely beautiful. Reading your entries and looking at the photos makes me almost breathless at times. Living in California I really miss that crisp autumn that I see and hear you describing….
Anyway, just wanted to post really quick to let you know that your writing simply puts a smile on my face
October 28th, 2006 @ 3:53 am
good for you taking time for yourself.
October 28th, 2006 @ 4:20 am
It may be a crappy camera, but those are not crappy shots. How wonderful that you were able to take a day off. I think you have been pushing yourself awfully hard to feel normal when normal is really the last thing you should be feeling after what happened. I hope that you have the opportunity (along with everyone else at the school) to talk to someone. Even if don’t think it’s necessary, it might help more than you expect)… Hugs!! Been thinking about you
October 28th, 2006 @ 7:29 am
PTSD is an old acquaintance of mine. Please let me know if I can be of any help.
Best,
Wendy
October 28th, 2006 @ 8:13 am
It’s tough when you discover that mind over matter and a positive attitude aren’t enough to keep those bad feelings away. It’s good that you gave yourself some time away from the regular daily stresses of work and little ones who want so much from you, and it’s good that you live in a place where there is so much natural beauty to fill you with healing energy. Even so, I hope that you and the other people at school are able to get some counseling to help you through this. It’s not wrong to feel the need for comfort and understanding about emotions that are so hard to put into words…but you know that:> Take care. (The photos are lovely, even with a “crappy” camera. They make me want to hop in the car and drive to Vermont!)
October 28th, 2006 @ 8:38 am
One day at a time. That’s all you can do. Hang in there.
October 28th, 2006 @ 8:42 am
those photos are wonderful, subpar camera or no!
*hugs* to you. post-trauma stuff is rough:(
October 28th, 2006 @ 10:26 am
It is sometimes very difficult to try and just get pass tramatic events without having the time to reflect on them and actually “feel” through them. I had something happen to me in April that I am just feeling now because of the stress of the move and all. I took a walk in the woods with my son the other day, and it does help to be in a peaceful place. I hope you get to enjoy that more often – not only when you are sad. Sending you *hugs* an good wishes.
ps – love the pictures!!
October 28th, 2006 @ 10:31 am
I just had to comment on this post.This past year has been rough for me as well.I had a stroke the morning after I gave birth to my daughter.This event led to feelings and emotions I had never experienced.Also led me to a depression that kicked my butt.I am just starting to feel like “me” again.I can honestly say that before this experience,I thought I could handle everything all on my own.Now I know sometimes you need some help.I started speaking w/ a Counsellor.It has been a great experience and a tremendous help.Please don’t let yourself deal with everything too long.Life,as you know, is too precious to be muddied w/ depression/anxiety. Take care.
Stacey
October 28th, 2006 @ 11:01 am
I just sent a package of twenty four hugs, one for every hour of the day and night, to Marilyn in California, and so I’m sending you the same. You are wise to take time away and spend it with yourself – that can be the best thing to do, for those of us who thrive in the left aloneness of ourselves, to really knock around in our thoughts and emotions. I hope you will talk to someone, and let it all out, someone you don’t have to be brave and together for. Your mind a terribly amazing thing, bursting full of talents, and it’s sometimes necessary to “take a load off, Fanny” as the song says.
Sending you so much love, and not a few prayers.
October 28th, 2006 @ 11:48 am
I’m glad you took a mental health day. I’ve been turning to an old favorite, Marianne Williamson, lately. Read this last night: “We often contract as a response to stress, as though we’re trying to defend against an oncoming force…the antidote to stress is counterintuitively to relax into it.” Sounds like you did just that…the break from mommying and teaching…the nap…the hike…the dinner outside with DH. Like Sam, sending you much love…more than a little light…and even my own version of prayers. Big hugs. xoxo
October 28th, 2006 @ 7:44 pm
Crappy camera or not, those pix are gorgeous! Sorry to hear you are still wrestling with this. I’m sure it will take some time, but it sounds like you are working your way out of it. Sounds like a lovely day, hunters aside.
October 29th, 2006 @ 8:57 am
Beautiful pictures. Sounds like you did just the right thing for the day. I am holding you in the light.
October 29th, 2006 @ 9:38 pm
Thank you, thank you for making me feel like I’m neither selfish, nor insane for feeling like I’m underwater a lot of the time lately. I treasure this blog because of the solace I get from you all.
October 29th, 2006 @ 11:17 pm
peace, lady…
xoxo
November 4th, 2006 @ 2:21 pm
oh, i cannot tell you how much i relate to this. the wanting to be taken care of, the stress, the burdens, but still, the capacity for joy. lately, i am struggling with so much change and newness, and like you, it feels like i’m slowly crawling my way out of it. all while trying hard not to give the guilt a voice – the voice that tells myself to be grateful for all i have. oh, the balance!