Tomorrow is my birthday. 29, and I think I look old this year.
You spend all your late teens and early twenties wishing you were older, and then suddenly, without realizing it you’ve slipped to the other side, where you consider getting carded a complement, and for some reason you can’t get the fact out of your head that some guy at work asked you if you were 36.
Our culture’s idealization of youth creeps in and airbrushes away all the brave, vibrant, sexy sides of aging. On a bad day I buy into that.
But the thing is, deeper down a big part of me that likes getting old. I like my crows feet and my perpetually furrowed brows, because they’re a testament to the life I’ve lived. It’s been wild, and sometimes heartbreaking, it’s also been passionate and full—and I’ve barely been alive three decades.
I’ve always thought Georgia OKeefe was one of the most gorgeous women in the world, especially in her later portraits. Something about the way she held her head—up, fiercely, with her chin forward, that spoke volumes about her courageous life and passionate arte. Also something about Tasha Tudor’s wild white hair and ruddy cheeks that spells out beauty to me: she’s a woman who does what she wants. In fact, when I think of women whose features I admire, most do not adhere to the modern, product enhanced perception of beauty. I want to look real still in thirty years, with some lines to show for it.
But tonight, on the eve of my birthday, I can’t help taking stock. Can’t help going back over a handful of self portraits I’ve taken over the past few months, looking for some outer clues about the woman I’m becoming. Maybe I do look older this year.
Driving to work by myself in the morning, as I pass the field where the frost has turned everything into a delicate filigree of white and the pale purple mountain is suddenly flooded with the first golden light of the sun, I’m utterly grateful. Grateful for these hands with wrinkles finely cross-hatching the backs. Grateful for soft expanse of my belly that gave birth. Grateful for my brilliance of my heart and mind that rush up inside my soul like the wild circling flight of the lone hawk I watched this morning, above the snow covered meadow, with the sun turning it’s wings to fire.
And if the consequence of this giddy passion for life is aging, I’ll take it, crows feet and all.
Oh, the happiest of swirly, snowy, hot chocolate and birthday cake birthdays to my sweet, wise, damn beautiful friend! Each year is a gift, our wrinkles are badges of a life well lived. And isn’t it nice to feel more secure in yourself, which is NOT what we are in our early 20’s? Your boys are blessed to have such a YOU in their lives! I hope you live to be a hundred years old and I predict you will be as anciently beautiful as Georgia O’Keefe.
Happy, happy birthday to you. I think that the third decade is the best because you aren’t worried anymore of who you’re going to be, you now ARE, and you can enjoy being you, best of wishes for you!
Happy Birthday!
I turned 29 in September… and found an odd misture of feelings as well. I am with each year becoming more comfortable in my own skin- which I love. At the same time I really find it hard to believe my age… it doesn’t seem real for some reason.
I hope that you have a beautiful, wonderful day celebrating the beauty that can only truly be enjoyed as we grow into our lives.
Jen
I LOVE your outlook. Bravo.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful friend! I hope you have a fantastic year!
Happy Birthday!
Age on, McDuff, age on.
Happy birthday, on to another wonderful year…
You inspire me with every post. Your celebration today of your renewed sense of self is courageously infectious. As all the beauty in your life surrounds you today…….may you walk taller and stronger than you ever have.
Happy Birthday!
A very happy birthday to you, Christina!
happy birthday to you
and i look forward to another
year of intriguing posts
and stories of growth
and words that make me stop
for a moment to soak them in.
Happy Birthday!
I am nearly 20 years older than you — although not nearly as wise, I can assure you!
But of this I am certain: With each year, life gets better and better. You get so much more comfortable with who you are, and worry so much less about what others think. (I think that’s God’s gift to us for having to deal with some of the less pleasant physical characteristics of the aging process.) Something tells me that you will discover and embrace this wonderful facet of aging as it was meant to be: fully and completely and with wild abandon… 
And as you go down life’s path, may all of your birthday wishes come true…
Happy Birthday. And I second Lynne’s post about being more comfortable with who you are as each year ticks by. I am more than double your age and find that life gets more exciting and enriching each year. I become more free to be and do as I worry less about the constraints. So relish each year as I feel certain you will.
Happy Birthday! I hope it is a wonderful day and a wonderful year.
Happy birthday and best wishes for a healthy, happy closure to your twenties. I really looked forward to turning thirty — my twenties were something of a rocky decade, and it wasn’t until after my 29th birthday that I started to feel life smoothing out a little bit. Thirty seemed like a relief. And it does just keep getting better — even when it’s rocky.
Happy Birthday to you! I too am excited about being older every year. Something about getting closer to the age I’ve always felt I acted. The crows feet and gray hair are already coming and I think the only thing to do is be proud of how we age as women. Hope you are spoiled rotten by Bean and DH!
Happy Birthday Christina.
And in honor of your birthday, some poetry from a woman who didn’t dare conform to those around her, just as you do in your own way…
I Dwell in Possibility -
A fairer House than Prose -
More numerous of Windows -
Superior- for Doors-
Of Chambers as the Cedars -
Impregnable of Eye -
And for an Everlasting Roof -
The Gambels of the Sky -
Of Visitors- the fairest-
For Occupation – This -
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise -
- Emily Dickinson
You are but a mere pup. A beautiful talented funny wonderful pup! Crowsfeet, schmowsfeet! *birthday smooch*
I recently celebrated by 40th (gasp*) and my experience is that it truly gets better and better! Happy birthday…..
happy happy birthday to you! i also turned 29 just last sunday, and it feels different this year. but i think i’m different on the inside as well as outside, now. i realized this time that the things i used to regret, i really don’t anymore. they made me who i am, and i like who i am today. maybe getting older holds secret blessings like these, that we never expected. it makes me wonder what else is to come.
have a beautiful day.
Happy Birthday, sweet talented woman!! Your are beautiful and wise with a hunger for life that puts most of us to shame.
I hope you and your boys enjoy your weekend.
Happy birthday Gorgeous!
Maybe it will be THIS year that we get together and then I can show you some crow’s feet, baby.
You are being way to introspective. Just get some chocolate and enjoy the fact that you are living, breathing, healthy and alive.
happy birthday!
ps–i keep a photo of georgia o’keefe on my alter for the very reason you speak of…she reminds me that real beauty never grows too old…
many happy returns of the day!
One of my students gave me a great card for my 29th birthday. It said something like “Just time, this time next year you would be really happy to be 29!” I had a GREAT 29th birthday and then HIDE on my 30th LOL
You are a lovely, glorious, gifted being…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Happy Birthday, Christina! I turned 50 last fall (writing that shocks me!), and I have to say that my life so far has been one very amazing, rich journey. I know that yours too will continue to be such a journey…your eyes and heart are wide open, and that’s the key. All the best, now and always:>
Happy Birthday, Christina! You are beautiful! I will be 36 this year, and am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I hope it just keeps getting better and better.
Wow – you are beautiful. In so many ways. Will clearly ALWAYS be. Happy Birthday. Have a glorious year.
Happy Birthday to a woman who inspires me, despite being strangers. Have a joyful, expressive day, and good health to you and your family.
Joyeux Anniversaire! May the very most you wish for be the very least you receive.
Happy birthday, Christina! What a wonderful perspective you have on aging! It usually doesn’t bother me either — I am from the school of thought that it’s more about how you feel inside — but there are those days when I find a grey hair or some high school kid calls me ma’am or my daughter starts giggling about the crushes the kids in her class have, and then I have to pinch myself *whoa, when did I get this old?!* However, I do believe the best is yet to come!
Enjoy xo
happy birthday beautiful…xoxo
happy birthday, foxy genius!
Happy Birthday! You grace this world with your gifts of words, pictures, and paintings. Thank you.
Enjoy your day – ENJOY YOU!
You do *not* look old…you look absolutely radiant. Hope your birthday was fabulous!!!
and why am i not surprised that you are an aquarian?? a very happy birthday!! hope it was great!!
Happy Birthday!
I noticed reading this made me feel happy-as most of your posts do.
Wonderful weekend celebration too.
You look more comfortable with yourself in these pictures. Wonderful.
Happy Belated Birthday. Enjoy your world, your life. I know you will.