Anticipation angst
Posted on | October 27, 2007 | 11 Comments
This morning called for errands in town. Warm cinnamon buns from the last farmer’s market of the season, and people watching in the rain. Returning home for a much needed two hour nap among soft white flannel sheets (with the cat at my feet) and then an afternoon cleaning in that wholesome, down to the nooks and crannies kind of way that is utterly satisfying.
Tomorrow we’re having a shindig with several dozen people. All good friends and neighbors. Cider, pumpkin carving, a rip-roaring bonfire. And though I can’t wait to have everyone in one spot, I’m way out of my comfort zone.
Throwing parties isn’t something I’m good at yet. I’d like to be. I’d like to be better at social things in general—and it was a resolution of mine this year to push myself in this direction. Being the Aquarius that I am, I’d prefer to be holed up somewhere creating, or with a few friends huddled over steaming lattes in a bohemian cafe. I don’t do new social situations with ease—or, more honestly, I don’t do anticipating them well. Once I’m actually in the midst of it all, I’m generally fine. I fly by the seat of my pants and hope everyone’s having a good time. But the residue of the ahead-of-time angst makes me nervy for the first twenty minutes or so of any new circumstance.
I look back on my quiet, almost cloistered home life as a child, and find my anxiety coiled there. We rarely had guests. My parents never “entertained.” Hence I really only have the random collection of fall-back experiences from my late teens and early twenties, and mostly those sucked. Red plastic cups of cheep beer, etc. But I’ve always craved more. I love people, and I love good food, and I love these in combination. Like a chapter out of an Isabelle Illende novel, I want my house to be full of the vivacious, bubbly, cacophony of voices and laughter. I want this to be the memory Bean has. Friends, always welcome. Dinner parties. Gatherings. Ruckus chatter under starlight, as people gather around a fire.
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11 Responses to “Anticipation angst”
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I am Christina Rosalie
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I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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October 27th, 2007 @ 9:49 pm
The more you do it, the easier it is. Tonight we urged a before-dinner visitor to stay and eat with us, and to my delight, he and the family were actually GATHERED AROUND THE PIANO SINGING while I prepared the meal. I shook my head in amazement, and felt so glad that the children experienced this … I only read of it in books as a child, myself.
October 28th, 2007 @ 12:37 am
I can so relate to this feeling of anticipation. I often spend energy fretting about meeting new people and yet I absolutely love opening our home and making it a gathering point. In fact, I enjoy much more being the host than being the visitor. I find making small talk among people I don’t know very energy consuming while as a host I can always stay busy. Regardless of which role I am filling I usually end up having a great time. Something to work on:)
October 28th, 2007 @ 4:52 am
I always get grumpy and nervous with anticipation before any event and we entertain A LOT. It does get easier though, and it’s ALWAYS worth it
October 28th, 2007 @ 8:29 am
I’m sure you are doing a delightful job. Everything will be fabulous!
October 28th, 2007 @ 12:21 pm
I have thrown many parties- even last years x-mas party with no power from a wind storm- its all about good food and good friends, everything else works itself out! I am sure everyone will have a great time and the more often you do it the easier it becomes.
October 29th, 2007 @ 7:16 am
I understand the pre-insecurity warm-up, but rest assured, your amazing shining spirit and warmth will make everyone feel grand and I think this will be the first of MANY fabulous gatherings you and the hubster cook up!
Bisous!!!
October 29th, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
I so hear you…growing up, we never had a hustling, bustling home. Our friends were always welcome, of course, but my parents didn’t really entertain. (Most of the time we were in base housing, which doesn’t lend itself well to entertaining, I suppose. But my parents just aren’t like that, the entertaining type.) It’s hard for me to step out of that comfort zone, and Beaux, too. But I do like to have small gatherings, another couple over for supper, etc., and that’s enough for me right now!
Let’s hope you are starting a new tradition – and I know it will be fabulous. I wish I could be there, ruckusing under the stars.
October 29th, 2007 @ 3:32 pm
I’m sure you’ll do this with the same beauty and elegance that you’ve done everything else in your life.
Can’t wait to see pictures.
October 29th, 2007 @ 6:18 pm
it sounds dreamily wonderful!
October 29th, 2007 @ 7:13 pm
You people are the kindest, brightest souls. Thanks for the encouragement.
The party went well, I think. Lots of people. A crowded kitchen. Food and treats and a bonfire with sparks twirling up into the dark. Also two year olds running pell-mell, and plenty of laughter.
October 30th, 2007 @ 6:14 am
I am so with you on this. I am having a dinner party on Friday and I feel this way. I had a similar social experience with my mom growing up.
Forge ahead
That was for both of us:)