On a run, we talk. It is a good time for talking actually. The conversation makes the strain forgettable. In between words, pauses long enough for breath, and for making things intentional. We run past open meadows and woods where the leaves are piled high and brown. The sun is warm on our backs, but we wear woolen hats.
We talk about the things we’ve always wanted. About the dreams we have. Living in Europe; graduate school; a life where we can look back each day and say we lived it well and fully. It’s easy to dream and forget to leap. To stand at the top of the cliff, and get lost looking down, without ever stepping off, and then there’ll be the day we’ll look back and regret.
“That would be the summer you’re supposed to be pregnant with another baby,” he says, of two summers from now. We’re talking about living in Europe—a part of a graduate degree program I’ve been accepted to, and have decided to attend. I feel my stomach flip flop.
When I pick up my friend’s baby, he fits perfectly into my arms. My body remembers that rocking motion (a side-to-side movement I grew so accustomed to, that for month’s I’d catch myself standing in line at the grocery store, or the bank, swaying.) I bring my lips to the softness of his downy head instinctively. Motherhood is in my bones.
And yet, I have a fierce, anxious longing to do more than this. I’ve come to this other passion slowly, like an embering fire. It hasn’t been a direct route, like Karen Russel, who at 26 has already published an acclaimed, original collection of stories. Writing for me has been more like a slow aquifer, bubbling to the surface with greater and grater force with each year’s passage.
I love my son wildly, and am grateful for his little satellite self, orbiting my days. But I’ve just started to feel like things are possible again. Life beyond the insular circumference of a baby’s needs. I imagine a sibling for Bean. But when I really examine this image, I find much of it is a composite of expectations. Everyone I know has had two or more kids. I grew up in a family of three. I don’t really know any onlies, and people ask me regularly when I’ll have a second.
As it stands, it’s a matter of timing. A matter of putting one dream ahead of the other. People say siblings born close together are happiest—they have each other, and all that. But I can’t imagine this now. I can’t imagine the constant rush. The never enough hands. The diapers in addition to the night time worries of a toddler. I can’t imagine never being able to sink back into the couch with a stack of books, to read to a wide-eyed eager Bean with no interruptions. Nor can I imagine giving up this wellspring of focus and direction that I’ve come to in my writing. Maybe I could do both. Maybe, especially if they were far enough apart in age. Maybe if I had a two-book deal in the works. But now?
I can picture a second. I can picture being pregnant again, and a part of me wants that chance. The first time I was caught so off guard, the whole nine months passed in a blur of coming to grips. I’d be able to do it more gracefully now—and also those first crazy months. I’d be less terrified, more confident in the certain joy of hour of melted moments spent staring at a newborn’s face.
But as much as I can picture this—and even want it—I cannot imagine it now, or next year or the year after. Huge, in the front of everything else, is the desire to write, to publish, to make this into my career. And I get these things, still, I am uncertain.
I want your thoughts on this. If you’ve had kids—why have you had more than one? How did you decide the timing? How did it affect the scope and outcome of your dreams?
We decided to get the baby stage out of the way all at once, in a rush. Of course, Anya still came sooner than we had expected, but that was OK. Now we’re settling into life with two “kids” and I cannot imagine going back. I fear that had we not had Anya when we did, we might never have gone back to have her. Yet, I feel siblings is such an important thing, even though my relationship with my own brother is so estranged.
It’s a personal decision. I know you’ll ultimately make the best one for your family.
And congrats on the graduate program. It sounds so enticing!
Lauren came 18 months after Graham, with a miscarriage in between. It’s been a rush but he’s 6 years old, she’s 4 1/2 and we have a semblance of a life. When the little ones can feed themselves, dress themselves, and manage through a day, life is SO much easier. Then again, the challenges change with age.
I can say with confidence that you’ll find love expands with a second child, beyond expectation.
In terms of personal trade-offs, I have no good response. I’ve tried to do it all and have had some degree of success. I can honestly say that the focus on the little ones still influences every single decision we make.
You’ll make the choice that’s right for your family.
Christina, you will KNOW when the time is right. Until then, follow your other passions. When you desire another child more than all else, it will be the right time. Don’t let others’ expectations push you into conceiving prematurely. I know full well of the grief that can bring.
Hashi (mother of 3 + stepmother of 2).
We had our kids close together (19 months apart) because I wanted to get the baby thing over with all at once. I didn’t want to have to start over with diapers and sleeplessness and the the whole shebang after I’d “gotten over it” (as if it’s an illness! ha!) so we had them bang-bang and I’m really glad about it.
DS is 2 in a couple of weeks. It’s taken until now for DH to agree to more than one child. And now, well… now I don’t know. I understand entirely where you are coming from when you write this. My life is only just starting to feel some semblance of normality again. And yet, I’m tired. I’m so very tired. And I get grumpy about not having my time to myself. The tension between DH and I is enormous. And I just don’t know if I can do it again. I long for that second child but I’m scared. I just don’t know if I can do it again. And yet, if I don’t have another child soon (I’m 42) I probably will have the choice taken away from me. I love your posts, they always strike such a chord with me.
Firstly, I want to say that I am glad to see you doing Naploblomo! I have been reading and enjoying your posts at Parentdish but I’ve missed the kind of writing you do here at this blog, and am glad to be getting more of it!
We are currently thinking of trying to conceive next summer, so that Pearl will be almost four when that theoretical babe will be born. I do want another child and I do want Pearl to have a sibling and that seems like a good spacing to me… but I am just now in the last few months to the point where I can do more for myself, can leave Pearl longer, can be more of a person that is not completely Mother. It is going to be hard to give that up. And the hope that maybe, just maybe someday Pearl will sleep all night and I will get some decent rest… what if that mythical day ever comes and I have to give it up for a newborn again? Who knew that sleep would become so precious?!
However, I also think that as an experienced mother, perhaps I will be better able to manage life with a baby… so who knows. This comment is leaving the territory of coherence far behind, forgive me, it’s early, and I slept not nearly long nor well enough!
We decided to space our children out more than typical. Our second (and last) will be born in late December, and my daughter will turn three in March, putting them almost 4 years apart. Part of the delay was my lack of readiness to even think about another child until she was two. Part of it was to accomodate the demands of my husband’s medical training.
Two years ago, we were having the same discussions you are: should we have another? I think as parents we could have been satisfied with one child. But both of us have siblings with whom we are close. Those relationships are incredibly important in our lives, and we couldn’t imagine our daughter not having that as well.
Unlike you, I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. My dreams are less concrete, and there are still a lot of questions for me to answer. I have a first career I could return to, but others I dream of as well. I was reassured when I heard Sue Monk King speak recently, and she told the story that the morning of her 30th birthday, she walked into the kitchen to a husband and two preschool children and declared “I am going to be a writer.” I don’t know that that will be my declaration (I do not have your talent) but to think that someone started at 30 and met the success that she has was a good reminder that there is a lot of life left after my children are past the early, needy years.
Good luck.
I feel the same way. I definitely want a sibling for Wito, but I’m just not ready yet and I don’t know when that time will come. I’m hoping what Hashi wrote is true- I will just KNOW when the time is right…
well for starters, I don’t have your gift
for writing, or that would definately be something
I would LOVE to do. I love to write, I am just not
gifted at it!!! I do love photography however and have
made that a part time career but ONLY here and there
where it fits into my life. my girls are 19 months apart and I did want a 3rd one the same age distance apart but it just hasn’t happened. I think it’s different for everyone. I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. It’s just a matter
of preference. My mom and her sister are 16 years apart and it’s like there is no age difference at ALL! so don’t
worry about it and just enjoy yourself & your son for where you are right now. if it happens, it happens and it will be the right time then!!!!! I can’t wait to buy a book by you one day! I have full faith and confidence in YOU!!!!!!
tara
Oh how I hear you. I felt this pull so strongly with my own child spacing. I became pregnant with Aidan (who is now 7) when I was 19 and in school. I took a year off then continued on in school, graduated finally and started my career. That whole time I felt the tug of wanting a sibling for him, but it not feeling right in MY own life to make that happen.
Someone above commented that “When you desire another child more than all else, it will be the right time.”
That is exactly what happened to me- It wasn’t the best timing in my career, but suddenly I was consumed by a desire to have another baby. I thought about it all the time, and ached for it intensely. So 13 cycles of trying for it later- we had baby George. Now they are 7 and 2. Quite a big age gap.
And they play and fight and play and fight. Aidan takes care of George, and helps out. Maybe the bigger age gaps aren’t ideal for some families- but it worked for us.
I have two children. One is 22 next month and the other is turnining 20 today. I decided to have two kids close in age because I thought it would make them know each other better since they would be growing up together. And yes, they are close to one another. I was very young when I was married and had my children. I am just now discovering my dreams and I am 41 years old. Everyone’s situation is different. I now know children can grow up and be close to one another(like my kids) or distant from one another(like me and my siblings who are very close in age) and that there are many factors involved. My humble opinion is live your dreams, because this is the greatest example you can give your children. It will teach him (or them) how to live their own dreams one day.
My husband and I have one child, a boy, around the same age as your Bean. In fact, if you saw a picture of my Little Tree you’d think he and Bean would be great pals if one day their paths crossed. I’m 32 and am pursuing music passionately (and earnestly, always feeling the pressure that I started “too late with this”), during the quiet hours when I’m not busy as an at-home mother and small business owner. I get the questions from others all the time about when I’m going to give my son a sibling, as if that were a good enough reason to bring another life into this world, to save another’s loneliness. We’ve decided that while it’s not easy having to justify our decision to other people, that we’ll continue being happy and content with our one child (a blessing in his own right). He’s the apple of our eye. He need not suffer from loneliness just because he has no siblings. (I’ve witnessed instances when siblings did not grow up to be close and in fact don’t speak to one another once they move from home.) I think, it’s more important that we model healthy fulfilling relationships in general, so that finding and creating meaningful connections to other people will come natural to him. For now, he has us, his full-on doting parents, and family and friends who give him ample attention. In the long run I hope he’ll learn from me that pursuing one’s dreams is important, by his witnessing my example and being a part of it; and that parenthood doesn’t have to hinder a person. On the contrary, it has inspired me to be better.
I am not a Mom, so I can’t speak from that experience, but I can tell you this…I have so much loved being an only child, and the freedom it gave my parents to take me wherever, whenever. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have no idea what it’s like to have siblings, but I have substituted for them with very close cousins, and the best of friends, and any number of other ways. I have never wanted it any other way.
My niece and nephew are four years apart and they are the closest siblings I have ever known. My sister and I are 15 years apart and we have always had an amazing relationship filled with so much warmth and love. I wouldn’t have wanted it in any other way if I by some magic could have changed the past:)Life doesn’t always happen according to the perfect plan that we carry in our busy minds, but sometimes it turns out so much better than we ever imagined. I agree with Hashi. Follow your intuition. Trust. Give yourself permission to soar.
I’m pregnant now with #2, and when she is born the girls will be 2.5 years apart. That’s the distance I am from my sister, and I’ve always liked the gap. I’m very happy that N will have a sister, but I am not looking forward to #2’s infant stage, and I am convinced that this child will be our last. I want to reclaim my body and start focusing on non-mommy parts of my life. For now, I’m okay with postponing full exploration of my interests. I’m not sure what I would do if I felt a driving passion to do something NOW. As long as postponing or not having #2 doesn’t cause too much tension with DH, seems like pursuing writing right now is the way to go for you. Judging from my husband’s experience as an only child, parents can compensate for the lack of a sibling by encouraging the formation of strong friendships. My husband feels about friends the way that many people feel about family, and I’ve always admired and been somewhat envious of that.
I’ve been married for 5.5 years, I’m 27. I don’t have kids yet, but I am at that point where I want them, but am unsure if now is the best time. In a few years that 30 mark will come and it feels right for it to be then. At times I feel like everyone in the world is having kids and I’m sitting idly by while the opportunity passes. However, I have this freedom of coming and going and doing what I want without a little one nearby.
Personally, I say go for your dreams, go for Europe. There’s no reason you can’t have a child in Europe if you so decide.
My boys are 11 and 5. A huge gap but I would not change it for the world!! I have never been in tune enough to figure out when the right time is or isn’t. So we just let it happen and when the time was right it all worked out. My career was on a rapid upward swing but after the second child my goals did change (no more travelling) and I was humbled by his existance and achieving a proper balance therefore I chose to level out my career now steadily progress instead. Good Luck.
I’m an only child too, and like Genie I have no idea what it’s like to have siblings. But you can’t miss what you don’t have. Same goes for my single-parent mother being my only family, for me it was just totally normal, not a “broken family” in any way.
I too have a very close relationship with some of my cousins. We used to live in a same building when I was small and play together every day. We still get together every Christmas.
A lot of only children I know are more thoughtful, more independent and have stronger sense of “me” and not in a bad way entirely
We look at things differently, have a different way of being. I can usually guess if people are only children or not pretty quickly after meeting them, and have no idea how I pick it up.
I think I want kid(s) one day, if it’s possible, but haven’t really thought about how many. I guess I just have to leave it to life
I’d say follow your passions, and have a second child if you feel like it later, but don’t worry about it. There are no mistakes.
I’m an only child and have never been lonely, and also my parents ensured I was always surrounded by the friends of their children. I feel they had such freedom with just me and we went on so many adventures as a child. I loved the closeness I have with my parents until this day. We were always a “three” and I never felt left out or excluded. I have a little on on the way in two weeks, we will see how things go but I wouldn’t have more than one child because of a worry in terms of the loneliness factor as I never experienced that myself.
First of all, big squeal of excitement about your graduate program! In Europe! Look at you, you marvellously talented woman!
It’s the age-old question, isn’t it? And everyone makes their own choice, or the choice is sometimes made for us, I’m sure. As your friend (because we are friends, just far-away friends) I would say, don’t do it until you are ready, with your whole heart. Bean will be okay as your darling one for awhile longer, and everyone is going to be happy if Mama is happy. There’s NO RUSH.
As for us, I feel really strongly, a deep down knowing, that I want to wait. Maybe until Thomas is in kindergarten. My brother and I are nearly 5 years apart, and I really don’t think there’s a perfect spacing. With my temperament, and as much as I adore little ones, I still want to focus all my love on my one precious kidlet for now. I don’t want to miss out on his babyness and the goodness that’s coming after. Especially as the next pregnancy will be considered high risk, we really must wait until everything is a bit more secure. And, as I joke, we gotta pay the bills for the first one!
My daughter who is the oldest will turn 20 next month. Then my only boys are 17 (18 next May) and my youngest, just turned 10 last month. Im 36. I have been a mommy for more than half my life now.And to be honest, I struggle to connect with the other part of me who longs to achieve goals & dreams.
As much as my youngest has been loved and spoiled to death by his two older siblings, he has also been very, very lonely. I have lost sleep over this many nights and there are days where I wish I would have had him sooner or had another sibling close to his age he could relate to. So, I have experienced both sides having two children close in age and one 10 years from the oldest. For my little mans sake, I wish I would have had him sooner so there wasnt such a huge age gap between him and my oldest kids.
I am STILL working towards my dream of becoming a Nurse Practitioner. Its just taken me alot longer to reach my goal. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change my decision on having three, I just would have had them closer together.
Hey, a little behind on my blog reading so I just saw this one. My daughters are 23 and 18 and in answer to your question about why more than one child, I remember wanting my oldest to have someone else; that one person in her life who would understand what it was like to grow up with her particular set of parents, a witness of sorts, someone who would be there after her father and I were gone. And I love seeing the relationship they have, even though there are 5 years apart. I have only one sister myself, and while there have been many times in our lives when we have been anything but close, I still know she’s the only one who gets our childhood; the good, the bad, and the ugly. But that’s just me.