Wondering:
Posted on | January 8, 2009 | 17 Comments
Why are people compelled to say things like: “You had better enjoy the last few weeks with just one, because two is not the same. It’s so much harder.”
Category: Motherhood
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17 Responses to “Wondering:”
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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ALWAYS:
January 8th, 2009 @ 10:06 pm
Because misery loves company…
January 8th, 2009 @ 10:13 pm
It is also so much better.
January 8th, 2009 @ 10:13 pm
See, I’ve heard that it isn’t much of a difference with two. Of course I have none at the moment and one would be a major change. But I have two cats and a dog and well, if you can equate that with having kids (the dog I think you can…he’s a big one!) it isn’t really much of a difference having three versus one.
January 8th, 2009 @ 10:27 pm
The same reason people feel compelled to comment on how you’re carrying, the name you’ve chosen, and anything else socially uncool. Not bad intentions, just unaware.
You’re gonna be great. It’ll be a whole new experience, but a wonderful one. Best to you and your growing family.
January 8th, 2009 @ 10:35 pm
don’t you pay them a bit of attention! two is only double the love and fun! and i am not just saying that either – two really isn’t any more difficult. big hugs to you.
January 9th, 2009 @ 1:39 am
Probably whoever said it feels it is true. Having just entered relatively recently into the world of two I can say this: It is different. First it was easy and I was flying high thinking what was all the fuss about this is no big deal. Then it got hard and I thought I was the worst parent ever and I couldn’t imagine how I’d make it though. Now they play together and i can say in all honestly in most cases it is easier. I think your experience will be yours and yours alone but people who have more than one child I think remember the days of only one like those with only one remember the days of having none. Or at least that has been somewhat my experience. The nitty gritty of being a parent is hard, I wouldn’t give it up for the world but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when I dream of how my life would look if I were only dealing with my very capable almost 3 year old without all the added needs of a baby. Or some days that I don’t wonder what my husband and I would be doing if we had never gone down this road. Doesn’t mean I ever want it just that it is near impossible not to contemplate it now and then. Maybe it is out of this place that people feel the need to remind you to soak up where you’re at. Not personally something I would ever say but I can see the place it may come from.
January 9th, 2009 @ 9:30 am
People say stuff like that because they are miserable, and misery loves company.
January 9th, 2009 @ 9:52 am
people say stuff like that because that is what they are feeling. things change, and everyone’s experiences are different – not because they are miserable or evil or anything like that. when i first had hyla and she was a month early and breastfeeding constantly and all the other stuff newborns do, i was really missing my time with only porter and feeling completely guilty about only having two hands which totally seemed ineffecient in dealing with a newborn and 3 year old. porter would say things like, “who will hold ME?” but then hyla got bigger, started eating less, pooping less, sitting up, and now it is not so bad. they play on the floor together. i can comment on a blog or write an email, or even clean the bathroom!
don’t take it so bad. i think i said it once to you during my newborn stage because i missed my porter time. but we are all a little more hormonal at some times more than others and we need to whine some. you’ll be great. you are such a wonderful mama. and anyway, you deal with a whole class of kids all at once at school – you are probably REALLY good at multi-tasking and spreading the love around.
January 9th, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
People say this because that first week with a second comes flashing back. They remember things like: realizing it takes longer to get two children buckled into the car, that one more personality type is now a variable…they remember the guilt they felt breastfeeding constantly when the other child wanted more attention.
In all cases the firstborn is never neglected, nobody ever was cheated, and the initial adjustment time was brief–a matter of a couple of weeks–but the memory is there, and they want you to indulge yourself before this short period, so you can feel more balanced when it comes.
It’s a brief, brief adjustment period. I don’t think they mean to say that life is harder with two kids. It’s just different than with only one, because it’s a house of four when it was only a house of three.
I know you’ll be fantastic with two, and you’ll adjust beautifully.
xo
*steph
January 9th, 2009 @ 1:24 pm
So that later you won’t be able to call them up and accuse them of NOT TELLING YOU WHAT IT WAS LIKE!
January 9th, 2009 @ 2:35 pm
i don’t know but it’s silly. even if it is their experience, it seems a mealy-mouthed, negative way to share it with you. doesn’t really add much to you, that kind of advice, does it? thinking about having 2 now reminds me of when i had just 1, and would try to remember what life was like before him: impossible. at some level i don’t think you can really compare having 2 with having 1; it’s not like for like. of course it’s technically ‘harder’ because there are 2 often conflicting people to deal with instead of just 1, but there’s double the love and and infinite amount more fun, especially when they become best friends and you start to feel like the odd one out.
January 9th, 2009 @ 6:45 pm
it is a true statement but she could’ve worded it differently.
every step changes in motherhood and with every child but we get use to it. you will be fine.
2 babies is better than 1 no matter what! double the love…
and they play with each other and teach each other.
it’s a beautiful thing!
i have 2 boys 20 months apart an i have survived!
and you will too.
it will be a beautiful thing.
congratulations to you!
m
January 9th, 2009 @ 11:04 pm
People say that because people are idiots. Yes, it’s more work (especially laundry) — but for me, at least, having two gave me such a feeling of completeness — like, this is what I was meant to have for my family. And it wasn’t because I had one of each gender — I have two girls. But the second baby closed a loop that I hadn’t realized was still open, for me.
There are so many aspects that are easier the second time around — because you feel confident in your instincts and don’t doubt yourself so much the second time. And you can figure it out easier. There are some that are challenges mostly just because you are juggling two — or because it’s something you didn’t encounter with the first one.
All in all, though, I would say enjoy every miserable uncomfortable moment of being pregnant. And take more pictures than you want. THAT is what I wish I’d spend more time noticing those last few weeks — because being pregnant is not going to happen again. I’ll have only one child again — when the older one leaves for college. If I let her!! LOL!
January 10th, 2009 @ 3:41 pm
I don’t know why some people say the things they do. I actually heard a grandmother once remark that she felt her heart wasn’t capable of loving the second grandchild as much as the first. Geesh, the human heart expands as needed, in my opinion. Just as our capacities and abilities as mothers expands with each new child.
In my experience, I thought the second pregnancy was more difficult (i.e. I couldn’t take a nap whenever I felt like it because I had a little one I had to tend to), but I personally felt it was a bit easier tending to the second baby when I had a child old enough to help out, like fetching a blanket from the next room or keeping an eye on her for a moment while I when to the bathroom. I’m not saying it’s a piece of cake, but as you know it’s not necessarily that with just one.
Hugs to you.
January 10th, 2009 @ 3:45 pm
because they are stupid….
change is change- different- just like every day and that is wonderful.
yes you had better enjoy today- for it is here and it is now- and what a gift that is…
and well tomorrow- enjoy it as well- when you get there- for it will be here and now- and completely different from the days before it-
because that is the magic of this universe.
sending you love and warmth and the joy and strength needed to dance brilliantly in this world which never is quite the same two days in a row.
January 11th, 2009 @ 9:49 am
Because people feel compelled to comment on anything and everything regardless of whether you’ve asked their opinion or not.
Having two wasn’t more difficult for me. It does take more time to get out the door. The hardest thing for me was realizing the second one is so totally different than the first one. I guess I was expecting him to act and do the same things the first one did but he has his own unique personality. He is definately my challenge but he is also so loving and sweet. With two you get twice the hugs and kisses, twice the homemade gifts, and twice the fun.
January 15th, 2009 @ 9:19 pm
I had three children in three years and was so sleep-deprived for years, I can’t remember what it was like to have just one child. I might say a similar comment because I wish I could travel back in time to relish a single focus on one child. Your blog perfectly illustrates the mindfulness and reflection that you can more readily experience with one child. With each addition, that focus scatters and everything feels a little hazy. It is difficult to be mindful of anything when there is another voice demanding your attention! I wish I had a dollar for every time I hear “mom” each day.
Instead of being annoyed with the comment, take the advice to enjoy the singular focus you can give your sweet little boy. He is a only child for only a few more weeks so celebrate that status with him because it will soon be over forever. Every minute away from your baby will be counted when you want a “date” with your first born. It will never be quite the same.