tonight
Posted on | May 4, 2009 | 14 Comments
In the pale crook of a birch a robin threading its song through the fluttering green of newly furled leaves makes my heart tremble.
Things are up in the air, and I’m holding my breath waiting for unrecognized brilliance. It’s like I’m occupying the thin space between air and water in a drinking glass, where the whole world is reflected in a line.
I spend whole days skimming, flitting, careening. In my molskine I’ve started writing again, finger bones gripping in quiet concert, the lead becoming a rush of loopy js and ys, answering the same questions each morning: what do I feel? What do I want?
Today I don’t know how to get myself started with the rest of my life. Today I am trying to catch up with myself. Trying to be something.
Across the sky clouds the color of cinnamon remember the fiery circle of the sun,
then draw together close like stitches over a wound; gathering indigo, gathering twilight, gathering the night.
***
What do you feel? What do you want? Right now. Today. Right this moment.
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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May 4th, 2009 @ 8:58 pm
i long to be able to draw and paint well. was working on something last night and grew so frustrated that it didnt turn out the way i wanted.
May 4th, 2009 @ 9:43 pm
your words touched my heart tonight for some reason….actually they took my heart and held it gently while the words you wrote gave me a vision of beauty !!!
May 5th, 2009 @ 2:36 am
so beautiful. fragile and warm and full of enchantment.
May 5th, 2009 @ 11:03 am
What do I feel? At the moment: sorrow, worry, fear for a friend that is dying.
What do I want? At the moment: a cure for cancer. Peace for her and her family.
Thank you for giving me a place to say this.
May 5th, 2009 @ 12:33 pm
Right now I feel content. I am looking forward, knowing that I need to begin a new life in about a year. What will that life be? I don’t know. I am not sure what I want to do. I am hoping things begin fitting together over the course of this year. I really want to follow my bliss, but I am not sure what my bliss is at the moment. Oh, and I feel blessed that I am able to contemplate this at all!
May 5th, 2009 @ 12:43 pm
Oh Liz, I am so so sorry.
May 5th, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
Feeling explosive gratitude and joy for so much of my life, and melancholy for the one aspect I can never, ever get to work.
What I want is to fix that one thing. Make it happen in a way that makes sense, that isn’t so unbelievably hard and lonely.
May 5th, 2009 @ 2:10 pm
Love. In its purest form. I had that once, but it was fleeting and now I worry and am scared that I will never have it again.
May 5th, 2009 @ 3:23 pm
the motivation to go exercise, after a week of being sick and resting.
May 5th, 2009 @ 6:02 pm
feel: like i’m on the brink of i don’t know what. but it’s an excited i don’t know what.
want: i want to have exercise be something i need again, not something i’m either making myself do or trying to fit in. i want to feel good in my naked body, not just in my clothes.
i want an iced mocha, but it’s 7pm and i do need to sleep tonight. i want my husband to be home from work instead of stuck on NJ transit, so i can get out of doing the bath tonight.
thank you.
May 5th, 2009 @ 7:34 pm
i feel f**king helpless. right now i want my son to be healthy. i want the inflammation and pain in his lungs to GO AWAY!!!!!!!!! i want the fevers to stop. i want him to run without getting short of breath. i want i want i want …
May 6th, 2009 @ 2:56 pm
Today I feel panic at the thought of a job interview after 14 years working for the same company. Seriously, they eliminated my job on the exact 14th anniversary of my starting to work there. And then, 6 days later, Husband lost his job from his company within 4 days of his 11th anniversary.
I’ve been feeling a lot of ups and downs. Trying to trust. Optimism for a less stressful job. Nausea so strong over figuring out how to pay bills and feed two children with nothing but unemployment and generous friends.
So, tomorrow I interview after 3 months of unemployment — and the first response to my resume that I’ve gotten. Not a perfect job. But a job nonetheless.
Panic. Afraid to hope. Afraid NOT to hope.
That is how I feel right now.
May 7th, 2009 @ 10:15 pm
Thanks for the inspiration. http://elaynaalexandra.com/2009/05/07/what-do-you-want-what-do-you-feel-right-now/
And Liz…thinking about you.
May 12th, 2009 @ 2:02 am
[...] Thanks for the idea, Christina. [...]