Day after day the rain comes in the evening, the windowsills wet. I eat an extra cookie, the chocolate melting bitter and sweet and sticky on my tongue, crumbs on the couch for sure, and put Sprout to sleep in his bouncy seat in the laundry room.
Yes. There with the fans, and the rhythmic satisfaction of clothes being turned and turned again in sudsy water (a task my great grandmother maybe did by hand with a washboard in a basin, and before her women at the creek bed, knees pressed into the silty mud, pounding with stones) there is a snugness that lulls him. The fan drones and the wash whirls back and forth, and beautifully, without a fight, he’s asleep.
So. I’ve been moody with this rain, the humidity making my hair curl and my skin stick. I have 10 tabs open in my internet browser and I’m on the verge of tears, right on the cusp of everything as usual. It’s so terrifying to contemplate doing more than whatever it is I’m doing right now. As in: sending more work out, figuring more things out, putting my heart out there in thin lines of Times New Roman double spaced and waiting for whatever.
It’s terrifying to sit here on our stained couch with sore boobs (Sprout nursed less than usual today, but he was just as chummy and darling as ever,) contemplating what else could be a reality soon, or never, or maybe. What if I make it?
Sometimes that question is almost as confounding and daunting as What if I don’t?
Here are the things I suck at: organizing, networking, time lines, deadlines, and synthesis. Here are the things I am good at: sentences, earnestness, heart, metaphors, and dreaming.
Between those to columns are the three words that Nike made so very famous: just do it. Sometimes that feels impossibly hard.
Sometimes I don’t even know what that looks like, doing it, going for it: where to begin?
Breath. I come back to that. And then I go back to my browser with it’s ten open tabs and try to make sense of my life.
You? What are you good at? What are you utterly miserable less good at?
And: Which is more terrifying: attempting success and failing, or failing to attempt success? Ha!
are you applying for graduate school?? stop stressing, honey. you are one of those multi-taskers who gets it done!
hmmm … good at: dreaming, questing, loving … horrible at: actually doing and following through, being happy with the results, and letting my emotions get in the way.
i think it is more terrifying to fail to attempt success, to sit back and let it all go by. i thought that is what i was doing when i became a sahm. recently i realized that i am attempting success right now with my children. success with my career will come later.
don’t be so hard on your self. enjoy this time when you have all these options – enjoy the “what if’s”
I’ve read your blog for several years…you remain one of the most gifted communicators, articulating for us what we long to say…
One question…
Have you ever considered focusing on those things you are good at and getting some assistance for those things that take you away from them?
I found out years ago the immense benefit of having someone (she had just graduated high school) help keep deadlines, due dates, all in sync and understood the importance of prioritizing work so I could focus. With email, electronic calendars, et al things are more possible than you might think. And when money is tight is always important to remember how much money you might be leaving on the table by trying to spread yourself too thin. A few hours a day, several days a week…
Go for your dreams, don’t let the details deter you…
It’s far better to have tried and lost than never to have tried at all.
I’m good at the things you say you’re not good at: organizing, networking, time lines, deadlines, and synthesis.
There are so many things I’m NOT good at (many of which you fill for me in some way) that I find I don’t want to articulate them right now.
I’m in the camp of regretting something I have done, rather than something I haven’t.
That said, I’m really good at listening and problem-solving and terrible at follow-through and believing in myself enough to actually believe that my creative dreams will come to fruition.
I want to be the girl that isn’t always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If you were good at organizing, networking, time lines, deadlines, and synthesis, it’s very likely you would not be good at sentences, earnestness, heart, metaphors, and dreaming. And the world would not be the wonderful place it is where so many of us can come here and read your beautiful words.
Cut yourself some slack for not being able to do everything all the time and give yourself a little credit for the the fact that you’re an amazing artist, writer, and mother. After all, those are the important things. Who cares if your silverware is sorted or your books are alphabetized or if you send something out a week after you intended? You have more important things going on!!!
(It might be time time institute a PAMFA fine for this.)
I say to you “GO FOR IT”! you are good and so many people come here to read your words and soak up what you have to say! YOu are amazing and you need to just give in to that!
I really am not good at anything! Lots of people say I am good at photography & scrapbooking! I will take the compliment! I am good at keeping memories for my girls (journals, baby books, scrapbooks & photo albums). There are too many things to list that I am not good at. I am the worlds biggest procrastinator that is for sure! I put off things until the last possible minute!
tara
Liz~ of course you are good at all those things–clearly part of why I adore you so! HOW? I want to know how! How do you stay organized, etc?
And also: I refuse to believe there are “so many things” you’re not good at. Impossible.
No, Tanya, not grad school right now–I’ve applied twice, gotten in twice, stopped twice. Timing just hasn’t been right. No, I’m just muttering about submitting writing. Getting an organized submission calendar going, and writing queries and a book synopsis and all the things that I haven’t yet done that terrify me about “being a writer.”
You are an amazing writer. I have confidence that you will figure out what “just doing it” means for you and you will definitely succeed.
worse: failing to attempt succes. ‘Cause that’s what I do often, or rather *don’t* do. I’m good at finding mistakes. I’m good at dreaming, typography, loving life, noticing the small things. Discipline is what I lack, and the ability to prioritize. I’m not good at writing, but I am good at reading.
This felt right. Thank you.
I’m a bit late to this post, sweet one, but I know you don’t mind lateness in a kindred spirit right? I agree with so many of your commenters…I swear I always find myself cautioning you to give yourself a break. So much pressure! You are good at the right brained side of things (which is why I adore you so) and like me, seem to have been off dreaming on a cloud when God handed out the organization skills. Still, I long to be naturally organized. I just don’t CARE until it all overwhelms me. (Sound familiar?)
One thing I have no shame about is asking someone to help me. My mom used to come in and talk to me so I could clean my room. Now I pick up the phone and chat so I can clean without wandering away to do something different. (Or I make Beaux keep me company.) Really, a more organized friend would ADORE to help you figure you a do-able calendar for your writing submissions. Organizing is like crack to them!
I am good at loving, empathizing, thinking about soul things, dreaming, doubting, questioning, letting little things go to enjoy the moment…and I’m very good at procrastinating. World class champ, in fact.