Ho-Hum.
Posted on | August 29, 2009 | 17 Comments
Today the rain is falling and I can’t put two and two together to make anything even close to resembling four. I have cold feet and fingers and I keep forgetting things.
Out the window and the ornamental crabapple has blossoms on a single branch. Now. At the brink of September, after a summer that for all intents and purposes never came at all. It’s rained almost straight for the past three months. The delicate pink blossoms are almost shocking among all the late summer foliage. Green everywhere.
I cannot see the mountains. Clouds press up close around our little hilltop and I am restless today. I cannot put my finger on what is wrong. I am listless. I should be grateful. I have so much to be thankful for and yet I woke up with the surly ungrateful attitude that there would be nothing to look forward to today, and I am proving myself right by default. The law of attraction. I am annoying myself.
Bean is also annoying me. There. I said it. I hate myself for this—for feeling like my child is someone I don’t want to be around, but I don’t. Uh-uh. Not today. He is one big negotiation after another. Temperamental, every few minutes whining about something or gritting his teeth or intentionally twirling something heavy or sharp through the air at the end of a very thin string.
I am at the end of a very thin string with him. I want patience. I want grace. But today with the rain cold and splattering and perpetual all I’ve been is too close to everyone in the same quarters and all I want is to be somewhere the heck away from here. Of course this matters not at all. When you’re someone’s mother you can’t just get up and shake off your life for a day. And to be honest, the glumness is so pervasive today I can’t think what I want. I have no idea what would make today sparkle.
It’s like I woke up and tripped over a bucket of gray paint and it’s gotten everywhere, obliterating the possibility of a sunny outlook. Humbug. I am hungry even though I just ate. Again. This is how I am all day long with the whole nursing thing. I am always ravenous. Hum.
Maybe baking will cure things.
What should I bake?
Do you ever feel this way? Grouchy without a single real reason in the world to be so? What do you do then?
**
UPDATED: I finally went for a run on the treadmill & made a new record. 3 miles. 23:50 minutes. And after running hard, the world felt more in context, as it often does when I run. Why can I not remember this when I am in the thick of feeling sorry for myself?
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17 Responses to “Ho-Hum.”
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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August 29th, 2009 @ 8:56 pm
When I feel this way, I embrace it. Or at least I try to. I take a bath, take space (I know this may be viewed as an awful question, but can Bean watch a movie, play with his Dad, etc.?) and am kind to myself. Bake something easy and foolproof—chocolate chip cookies, apple crisp, etc.—and enjoy it, warm and with something delicious to drink.
Take care of yourself. Sometimes, we just need a little gray day.
August 29th, 2009 @ 9:28 pm
When I feel this way, I do whatever it takes to get into a hot bubblebath. I take my latest issues of BH&G and Midwest Living, and I soak in the tub. Inevitably I fall asleep for 10-15 minutes, but that’s OK. I let the warmth of that water wrap its arms around me, lay my head back, float, and think of: nothing.
30 minutes later I am able to cope with the rest of my day.
Rainy days always put me in those kind of moods too.
August 29th, 2009 @ 9:48 pm
I totally know these days! I have had them, we all have had them. I usually try if possible to go veg out with a movie and just let myself have that time. But I know its hard when you have all those other responsibilities. Maybe the in-laws could help? I am hungry all the time and I don’t nurse!
Love you sis.
August 29th, 2009 @ 10:09 pm
Of course, I think we all have those days! I especially feel that way right before that time of the month.
And I nursed Ava for 3 years and was STARVING for the first 18 months of it! It takes alot out of you, literallY! As long as you are exercising, which I know you are running, so just enjoy the experience of it and enjoy eating good food and you will be fine!
Rainy days make good art days! or a good movie day, or a nap day! Enjoy it! take a few hours for yourself if you can!
tara
August 29th, 2009 @ 10:20 pm
Waking up p***ed off at the world? Yep. It happens to the best of us! This too, shall pass.
August 29th, 2009 @ 11:41 pm
Bacon. Bourbon. And Chocolate. Separately or all at once. No particular order. I usually start with the bourbon.
August 29th, 2009 @ 11:57 pm
I put my hands in the dirt. Plant something, pull weeds, trim, just do something in the garden. I think it is the combination of the focus, the exercise, and the literal grounding, but it almost always works for me. And when it doesn’t, bourbon does.
August 29th, 2009 @ 11:57 pm
it’s ok to be grouchy, we all have those days. they make the happy days that much brighter. bake bread and make soup for the comfort of a rainy day, curl up on the couch with a good book, magazine or movie and call it a day. knowing tomorrow is a new day, you will have a fresh start
August 30th, 2009 @ 12:39 am
oh yes….I know that feeling well and it took me years to realize that it had something to do with my hormones and that I couldn’t control it….
once I figured that out….I just try now to stay away from people on those days and warn anyone who might accidently get in my way
and it’s okay to not want to mother your children every now and then…it gets worse once they’re teenagers
August 30th, 2009 @ 1:14 am
I have these days as well, and even if I do try and pamper myself, the minute I am interrupted, or go back to the whole parenting thing I am crabby all the more. It is an icky place, but part of life I guess. I hope tomorrow brings sunshine, and peace. And I hope whatever you baked was delicious…like as delicious as Blueberry Boy Bake.
August 30th, 2009 @ 1:37 am
Yup I have been there. I might have been there today. Minus the rain. I have no idea what I do any more when I am feeling that way. Run I guess and eat and try to organize stuff or get rid of things that we no longer need or clean. Sometimes though I will just talk myself out of it and lay down on the floor with the babies and let them crawl all over me and giggle and tickle and close my eyes to enjoy those moments. Then suddenly that mood mysteriously goes away. Kids, even whiny miserable ones, some how magically become different when I get lower then their level and let them step on me. Amazing!
August 30th, 2009 @ 3:26 am
I can totally relate….for me, it usually ends up that my oldest is banging on something or crashing into something just as my youngest drifts off to sleep after screaming for some time. The whole nursing thing…..oh yeh! I feel like all I do is eat, feed, eat, feed….and although it’s me that I really need to be taking care of, I’m the last in line (as most mom’s would agree). I’ve realized recently that I need to take the time to take care of myself, drink more water, exercise, and just do things for myself….for my own sanity. I think if we lived in the same town….we would be fast friends. Your words frequently feel like I’ve spoken them, nearly in the same time. (our babes are about the same ages). I actually did bake tonight….for my sanity, and posted about it on my new blog if you want a new recipe. Thanks for sharing!
August 30th, 2009 @ 7:07 am
I take my kids out in the yard, and let them be distracted while I pull weeds. Ripping out weeds by their scrawny little necks is very therapeutic.
I would bake a lovely chocolate zucchini cake and then frost it with an amazing ganache/icing.
Thankfully, one doesn’t usually wake up this way two days in a row. Enjoy tomorrow.
August 30th, 2009 @ 12:41 pm
Ms Organic–do you have a recipe to share?
August 30th, 2009 @ 5:01 pm
Oh definitely, undoubtedly, 100% for sure I’ve got these days. I like the way you describe it, the gray paint. I don’t have kids yet so I don’t know if this will work when I do, but something that helps my mood on days like this is reading. Going and burying my head in a book for a 1/2 hour, maybe with a favorite snack. Of course this won’t work if Dad can’t take the kids. Soon I’ll be there and you can be as surly as you’re feeling and I’ll take care of the kids for a while. Maybe while you and your man go away for the afternoon or evening. How’s that for a plan?
August 31st, 2009 @ 12:44 am
I have tons of days like that. Hate them. And always want to slap myself a la Moonstruck and yell “SNAP OUT OF IT” but hey! We need those days, too. (and I totally sympathize with you regardin Bean: best cure for that? Go watch him while he’s sleeping
August 31st, 2009 @ 9:37 pm
Yes, I have grouchy days and nothing is logical when you are in the thick of things. My cure is usually getting out the door and moving, usually walking, somewhere, anywhere, just moving and breathing some fresh air.
It seems you found the perfect rainy day solution–treadmill!