Drawing blanks
Posted on | October 6, 2009 | 26 Comments
And I can’t find the words to write about it. Dislocated. Nostalgic. Missing the way I used to be, as irrational as that seems. Feeling anxious about the future. What if I’ll never be the things I dream of? Shit. Even I know that sounds ridiculous, and yet that voice is there in my head. A rejection letter in the mail. Not enough sleep. Whatever.
I am missing the connections I’ve made here, Internets. I know it’s my fault that they’ve dwindled as I’ve been caught in this weird place of cat-got-your-tongue moodiness that is my present. Damn. I want to share my life with you more, again. I just don’t know how to put words around it. What if this lasts? What if nothing turns out? This is the voice in my head today. Even with sun, even with coffee, even with sitting alone upstairs in a cafe.
Do you ever feel like this? Like there are no words?
What are you afraid of? What will you regret, if you never do it or become it?
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26 Responses to “Drawing blanks”
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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October 6th, 2009 @ 3:10 pm
I have been where you are many times. It sucks. What surprised me most the last time, is that I said it out loud to my husband, “I am in a funk, and I need to get out of it…” he answered: “You have been in a funk for months.” MONTHS. What? I didn’t realize it at all. I just kept going, doing my daily stay-at-home mom stuff. I never stopped to feel, or think, or write. Sometimes just labeling it is all that is needed. Other times you have to fake it to make it through. And still other times you just have to wade through the murky, muck until you come out on the other side.
Right now I am afraid of never working again, and I am afraid of going back to work. (Nice place isn’t it?) I feel like I will regret it if I don’t follow my passion, and that I will regret it if I do, and then I neglect my children, and my family. I wish I had a clear map of “where to go next” because I have always had that map in my back pocket. Somehow my life course ran off the edges of that map, and I am in a no-man’s land, and have to clear my own path.
A word of encouragement…I love your writing and your photographs. Just keep posting, if not for yourself, for all of your fan club out here. Maybe you can write your way through…
Good Luck.
October 6th, 2009 @ 4:17 pm
perfectly stated.
i’m scared that all the gremlin chatter is real, that i am what i fear.
October 6th, 2009 @ 4:41 pm
I don’t anyone is immune to this. But one day you will have the words for what you are feeling now and it will be cathartic to put them all down.
October 6th, 2009 @ 4:42 pm
Do you ever feel like this? Like there are no words? Yes
What am I afraid of? Well, in my blog posts lately, I’ve been posting old poems and I’m afraid of not writing anything new again. I’m afraid of never getting past this anger and hopelessness that I feel too often. But I’m afraid of “going there.” You know, where things aren’t neat and orderly, where you have to face the shit that’s making you angry and hopeless.
As far as regrets, I’m reaching a point in my life where I feel like I need to somehow be known for something again that is mine. In the past, I’ve been part of things or made things happen that had my name on it. Now I do a lot of work for my boyfriend and his music and I have a reputation for that, but that’s more about him, which is fine. I just want to find something for me. And I’m not sure if it’s the same things as I did before or if there’s something else.
October 6th, 2009 @ 4:43 pm
I feel it. You inspire me. I believe in you and think you will go far!
http://bendingtime-kathryne.blogspot.com/2009/09/sounding-my-barbaric-yawp.html
This is the restlessness I feel!
October 6th, 2009 @ 5:01 pm
Today I turned 39 years old.
I am afraid my life is passing me by.
I want to go back to school, but am afraid to.
I want to homeschool my girls, but am afraid of
doing them a dis-service. I don’t know what to do.
Lots of worries. Lots of stress. The unknown.
I so know what you are talking about today.
Hang in there! You can do anything! I see how you write,
it will be there always!
tara
October 6th, 2009 @ 5:22 pm
I am afraid I am missing out on my kids being young… That we picked a great house but with the wrong schools for our kids and we never once considered them in that choice… That I am not a very good friend, wife, co worker because of my moods, my ability to alienate people, to seem ditzy and out there, because of my jealousy issues… that maybe all these things combined make me start to feel a tad crazy “just like my mom” around people because she is the one person who taught me all that crap. It is all I have known and I see her in me more and more especially as I grow older, and more rigid.
I used to write on my blog to get out of a funk but the few readers I have, well I feel I need to censor myself with them so I no longer write whatever and I regret that is the case.
For me finding a way to smile every day no matter what, pull myself upright and to be happy is important because I will regret teaching my kids the exact same things my mother taught me thus preserving that horrid cycle. I do not want that to happen to them.
October 6th, 2009 @ 5:23 pm
I’m sorry you are feeling in a funk! I think labeling these feelings is a great start.
I have two thoughts on this- first, there is a quote from Illusions that goes something like “If your happiness depends on the actions of somebody else, you have a problem”. In this case, I think it’s important to recognize that you are a writer. Being a writer is as much or as little of your identity as you chose to make it, regardless of how much is published, or who else choses to recognize that part of you. Easier said than done, I know.
Secondly, I think we all go through periods of wondering if we have chosen the right path, or mourning the loss of doors that we have let close even if we are happy with our current situation. There is a part of me that still wants to work at NASA, or be a Marine Biologist, though I long ago chose not to study the right subjects to turn those options into realities. It seems that the older we get the more our options seem to narrow, or at least the doors we have passed have shut more tightly, and become harder and harder to go back to.
As for “what if nothing turns out?”, something always turns out, it just may not be the something you were expecting, and it may be even better! I feel like I’m constantly trying to plan, and logically figure out what the next step is for myself, and instead things actually unfold more organically than that. I have spent too much time the last few years feeling stuck in my own life. I find the moments when I am happiest are also the moments where I’m most present- focusing on the now. Perhaps you just need to give yourself permission to not think about the future for a few days until you are feeling more optimistic.
Big Hug!
October 6th, 2009 @ 5:37 pm
Afraid!? HA! Stare that fear in the eye and write it out. Write it down, write it under the covers and out the door and around the corner. Never back down.
I think all we (all us?) bloggity grrls go through this. I, for one, go through it every damn day. Some days it wins. Some days I do.
I think I stopped making sense somewhere there. Shoot.
October 6th, 2009 @ 5:55 pm
Funny that in the time we spent together we didn’t spend more time talking about THESE things. Because go have a look at the post I put on buddingscholar today! It’s tiptoeing around these very things. Being afraid that my thesis project is going to be dead and uninteresting. Worrying about the fact that I can’t seem to organize my time in any meaningful way. Worried I’ll regret not getting going with things sooner in Barcelona. Basically feeling terribly stuck with the project at hand. Just took a break from making a week-by-week timeline from now until I leave here, which I aim to revise on Mondays, in an attempt to be organized about my time. But worried it won’t work either. Am moody with my husband, uninspired when I sit down to work on my project.
Mostly I worry about the path of my studies, how uninspired I feel about it all lately, and how hard it is to be here, alone (professionally speaking), trying to get something going that will be meaningful.
October 6th, 2009 @ 5:58 pm
For me, regrets come from not trying. Success is in the effort. What if’s stifle forward movement so I give them voice, I even write them down and promise I will revisit them. But then I put them on the shelf and get back living in the moment, doing that thing that resonates, that points toward the dream.
I’m so glad you’re still here.
October 6th, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
I usually read the comments before I leave mine, but not today. I am afraid that the shit that I live day I & day out is never going to resolve. I’m afraid that I’ll have, find, figure out a solution and life will be this very difficult thing. Today I felt so thoroughly depleted–physically and emotionally–nothing left, not a thing but fatigue and tired tears. What if this ever gets better??
October 6th, 2009 @ 8:46 pm
I don’t even know how to say thank you, except to say it again and again for all your comments: your honesty, your courage to put into words the the things that you are afraid of–so many are the very same things I fear. How can this be so? How can these voices whisper in all of our ears?
Thank you for making me feel less alone today.
October 6th, 2009 @ 9:32 pm
I know how you feel. I started following your blog about the time sprout was born. My husband had just lost his job (the job we had moved for just less than 2 yrs ago) I was facing having to go back to work. We have since moved to a bigger city and are both looking for jobs. I regret having to move to a bigger city and having my kids go to much bigger schools. I to am scared about having to go back to work ( have been at home for 5 years) and how my kids would fit into that. I too have been in a funk, I long to be by myself, but feel guilty for wanting that. Following your blog has opened my eyes that I am not the only one that goes through what I do and have. Your blog has become a friend to me, being in a new place with no friends. I am sorry about your funk and hope things will start looking up for you. Your boys look and sound like great happy kids, keep up the good work.
October 6th, 2009 @ 10:33 pm
You are doing it, Christina! You are a writer with incredible talent. And you are sending stuff out (some writers never get the opportunity to get rejection letters.)
You are working on a manuscript. You do the blog. You write morning poems. You dazzle us with collages and photos. You bring us color. And warmth.
Some days you may feel like you’re treading water, but you are the real deal, a real writer, living the dream.
October 6th, 2009 @ 11:09 pm
I fear that if I don’t get over my insecurities, my children will grow up without seeing me in any pictures WITH them.
I will totally regret if there is no record of what I was for them — and what they mean to my life. That is why I try to keep my blog up — I have always hid behind words.
October 7th, 2009 @ 12:11 am
i am so drawing blank today too…a hard week and a half at school got me questioning and feeling like i can’t do this thing… i can’t give this much and feeling like what, what is left for me and in the quiet of the night i have no idea if i will ever be what i want if i can make it- so i hear you and i thank you so much for sharing your feelings in that space… thank you.
October 7th, 2009 @ 4:27 am
You couldn’t keep your beautiful words from coming back if you TRIED!
In the meantime, there are photos to bridge the gap.
October 7th, 2009 @ 7:13 am
This too shall pass…
October 7th, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
I am afraid that I will always choose to argue, instead of work it out. I have been allowing my skin to go tissue soft and people who have never bothered me before, now crawl under my skin and I fall into petty arguements without purpose. *sigh* I can’t even shake my feelings about the one from last night.
You are not alone.
PS: Love your stripey tee.
October 7th, 2009 @ 1:22 pm
just a few post backs, I wrote something similar to this, using different words, but with the feelings being the same….
you are not alone !
October 7th, 2009 @ 1:29 pm
I relate so well to your post. I have felt like that. I still do. The critic in our minds can be so heartless and mean, cutting to the quick. I’ve found that time can take care of a lot of it. If you’re empty, you need to refill, however long that takes. The muse won’t be rushed.
I always had dreams of being a successful author. I’m not sure it’s in my future anymore. What talent I used to think there was seems to have evaporated. I’m 41. I feel like I’m running out of time to matter to this world at large, even while I know that I’m lucky to matter to many people who love me and support me no matter what. I’m grateful for that, even while I feel discontent with myself.
October 8th, 2009 @ 7:22 pm
I’m arriving a little late to your October — computer problems and the corresponding mish-mash of brain shutdown and social floundering — but it’s breathtaking, Christina. Really. I don’t often delve into poetry, but if you’re anything like me (and you are, you are), poems are the words that can’t seem to come out any other way. Even picture poems. I hope the disheartening sense of failure is part of a good writer’s make-up because I’m there every few days, it feels like (and that’s without a rejection letter to prove that I’m at least trying). Maybe it’s strange to say, but I wish I were exactly in the stage that you are now — fear coming on strong because there’s such a strong and possible hope of dreams coming true.
October 9th, 2009 @ 2:49 pm
occassionally
i get this strong
unable to ignore
in my face
won’t leave me alone
feeling
of
what the hell
does any of it matter.
why do i try to write.
what is the point to the endless
shuttering and flashing of my camera.
what is left to say,
to show,
that hasn’t been examined by someone
better equipped
than me.
i hate to admit that i feel this way sometimes.
but i do.
October 9th, 2009 @ 8:07 pm
Hate that I missed the chance to give you a hug on a day where you were feeling icky and blue. I think you’re probably feeling a wee bit lost because you’ve changed your life…you are becoming someone new, in a sense, at least for a little while. And I think you are a writer, you claim that, and God almighty that’s scary. You are so very brave to do so, though not to believe in yourself and your gift would be criminal.
And yes, I do feel that way – that there are no words. Just funk. And so I try to open myself up to my little comforts, and laugh when I can. Like just now, when Thomas was trying to feed himself a baby carrot with a spoon. It’s really the silly stuff that restores my heart, so often, laughter that resets my heart.
October 13th, 2009 @ 2:02 am
Yep – you ARE the real deal! Thank you for putting into words what some of us struggle with inwardly. You courage is inspiring!