This is the work I am learning to do
Posted on | February 26, 2010 | 22 Comments
Hello friends!
Where have you all scuttled off too this month? I miss you around here… I’ve been changing things up… have you noticed? It’s still a work in progress. (I crashed my entire theme twice. I wish I understood CSS.)
Something about having the kickstarter widget broadcast in the sidebar was really throwing off my mojo the past couple of days. I started to hate seeing the amount of funding flatline… and it has been interesting to listen to my own inner dialogue turn doubtful, even as I’ve gotten the most exciting new (!) and incredible support because of it so far. (Can’t tell yet….not for a while.)
I am discovering that art and risk become something else entirely once a dollar sign is attached. It’s made me take myself seriously as a writer and artist in a hundred ways I never saw coming…and for a long, long time I never took art and writing seriously (although they were the things that made my heart sing) because my father—who was an enormous influence in my life when he was alive—pushed me towards a ‘worthy’ profession. While he appreciated art in a sort of distant and abstract way, he implied often that to pursue it would be self-absorbed and indulgent, compared with pursuing a career in the service of others—as a teacher.
So I became a teacher.
To this day, one of my greatest regrets is that I listened to him when he told me that interning at Ms. would be a frivolous waste of my time. I still wonder how my career would have been different had I taken that internship that I’d been offered.
So it’s been a long time coming for me to believe that my words and art can be a career. And this way, this project has been an incredibly tender and scary and exciting process of self discovery.
I have been breathing, eating, sleeping and dreaming ideas and words. And I’ve been thinking about the community on the web, and what makes it, and about how if we could meet, we’d look each other in the eyes and laugh and share delight and there would be no question in your mind that you’d put ten bucks behind me. But here, in this almost imaginary place, filled with a vast, unfathomable amount of information and creativity, I am small.
So.
There it is.
In the middle of the night I wake up wondering what failing at this might look like. I watch the snow falling outside the window and wonder if it was foolhardy to leap without a parachute, holding only the strings of handful of helium balloon hopes. Then I wake up in the morning and I can feel excitement zinging in my veins. This is what I want. This creative, terrifying journey. This work.
+++
Every winter I wait for a time when I can no longer remember the way the world looked before white, and then I know that spring is near. I wait until I feel myself falling into the faulty labyrinth of memory. Like a mime, I like to put my hands up against the pretend container of the present and see how well it holds me. And today it happened.
Today I can’t remember leaves. I look at the gray birch out my window, the one that is tall and leaning with the rot gnawing at a burl where a limb was torn away in a summer thunderstorm, and I cannot see it green with shimmering leaves. Logically, I can remember it, but I cannot really see it in my minds eye any longer. This is the beginning of spring fever. This is when snow is wet and heavy and slides off the roof hard and fast in sudden melting avalanches. This is when, invisible mighty things start happening in the earth.
Sap will flow. The birds know. Soon they will start building nest with mud and sticks.
+++
I’ll be posting about the project once a week from here on out…and over on the kickstarter site maybe more often. (I don’t want this blog to become all about this project all the time.)
Please know that your gentle words of support are just as valid and and inspiring and helpful as a pledge. I get that times are hard, and there are other, bigger things (Haiti, for one).
And I am curious tonight: have you ever ventured out on a limb for something that you wanted or believed in? What was it? How did it turn out?
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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February 26th, 2010 @ 3:31 am
I am so anxious/excited for you! Also, I wish I understood CSS. I’ve sworn off Facebook/Twitter for Lent, SO, I’m waiting to do my “hey-go-support-this-awesomely-talented-artist” blog post then. I already know the post I’m going to point people to – the “kissing peripherally, and ‘we hold each other’” one. Unless I change my mind and pick another just as powerful one before then. =)
February 26th, 2010 @ 3:51 am
We (people) all do share similar stories, don’t we? I was in art school in Baltimore after high school. My boyfriend back in Western New York thought it was a waste of time. I heard through the grapevine that he had started spending time with another girl–went camping with her & a group. I left school to save our relationship. We got married 4 years later. We got divorced 9 years after that. I wonder how my life would be different had I stayed in art school.
Do you think you could “fail” at this point?? With the project? I mean, if (if) worse comes to worse & the funding isn’t there–I mean, that’s not you. It’s circumstances beyond your control. You made the commitment, took the chance, put it out in the universe so it’s already there, isn’t it? (Regarding funding-checking that you got my email just in case it was a good idea.) And yeah, I changed my religion from my family’s & I went to massage school. Those were two decisions I made that were just plain right in my core. Boom. Done. Very clear in my heart. And they worked out very well-continued to prove to be right. Glad I never doubted those. U-N-F-O-R-T-U-N-A-T-E-L-Y I have a much longer list of things I didn’t do & still think about…
February 26th, 2010 @ 8:14 am
Two years ago I left a high powered career as an art director in a major city. I moved to the country to live my life & support myself designing & making jewelry. I’m also starting to teach jewelry making.
Honestly, I didn’t really give up anything… because I’ve never been happier than I am now that I’m living my dream.
February 26th, 2010 @ 9:16 am
I really love this post! This is my week to “jump!” again. In my family, the “creative ones” were my sister and brother (neither of which do much creating anymore). I am also married to a creative and my oldest son is a creative. One year ago March 1 I chose to ask the question “what if I am creative too?” Exciting and scary and I am soo glad I did. Here’s to year 2.
February 26th, 2010 @ 9:34 am
I just gave to the project but the link I put on my blog appears to be broken – just wanted to give you a heads up
February 26th, 2010 @ 1:24 pm
Wow, Jamie, your story is astounding… you amaze and inspire me with your fierce determination…. and Beck–it’s a great idea, thank you!
Robin–what link did you post? I looked for it, but couldn’t find one. Thank you so much for the kind words…
February 26th, 2010 @ 1:32 pm
I don’t know if I really have traveled out to the very tip of a limb before. I have always had a pretty solid plan, and followed it. From my high-school sweetheart turned husband, to my career, to becoming a mother…I have always done just what I have planned. And, if my plan didn’t come through just as I had wanted it (TWINS?) it was really beyond my control. The biggest risk I have taken recently has been to join this blogging community, I was so scared that I wouldn’t have anything to say,and I am afraid that is a little bit true. I was also scared that I wouldn’t have any readers. I have four really good ones so I am good there. But, I am still nervous about it.
February 26th, 2010 @ 4:51 pm
This is rather laughable in the footsteps of what you are doing, but my biggest limb tip-toeing has been admitting to people I know in real life that I want to be a writer. Not a teacher. Not an editor. A writer. Because acknowledging what makes my heart beat opens up my most vulnerable hopes to criticism… and worse, what if I don’t make it? I’m copying down your paragraph about the beginning of spring fever to read over and over in these February moments. I hope you can look at that paragraph as well and realize that the possibility of failure is far, far past for you.
February 26th, 2010 @ 5:01 pm
I totally heart you Bethany. I know EXACTLY what you mean.
February 26th, 2010 @ 5:31 pm
I have to agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY with Jamie. If the funding doesn’t come through, that does not mean you are a failure. It doesn’t mean the book won’t happen. It only means it the way it will happen changes. I have faith in YOU.
February 26th, 2010 @ 5:51 pm
I’m so happy to see you posting regularly, Christina. It’s so nice to come to the site and see your fresh words.
I went to an Ivy League school (please do not perceive this as a badge and/or snobbery) and there was ENORMOUS pressure to do something “real” AKA a job that will make you a lot of money. There was this unspoken expectation that art and literature were hobbies, or that the way to be involved in the arts was to become a philanthropist or something. CRAZY! Long story short, I ended up teaching as well–it seemed like an OK marriage of passion and realism. But in the middle of the recession (last March) I quit my teaching job, moved to another city to be with my man, and now have a job I LOVE (writing book reviews) although I make a pittance. In the moment, it didn’t feel like bravery, it felt like foolishness, but it is just now hitting home that I did something huge, and let me say, it feels great.
You are on the right track, Christina, I can feel it. The tone of your posts has changed dramatically over the past few months. You seem a little scared, a bit unsure, but so filled with passion and love. And that is exactly how it feels to take a leap of faith. You won’t be successful in fulfilling your dreams if this project takes off, YOU ARE ALREADY SUCCESSFUL. YOU ARE DOING IT! WOOHOO!
And something I always remember… Keats died at age 25, thinking himself a failure because his poetry wasn’t popular. Look at the way we consider him now… If only he had had faith in himself.
February 26th, 2010 @ 11:40 pm
We look at missed opportunities and feel regret, anger, sadness. But, we HAVE taken that other path, for whatever reason.
And your alternate path has led you to a different but incredible place. Perhaps if you’d have taken the Ms. internship, words would’ve become a drudgery, a job, instead of a joy.
Maybe taking the long road to writing has helped you to develop the enormous depth and soul that your writing has. Maybe this route has made you more determined to make it all happen.
You inspire me. Full speed ahead, Christina.
February 27th, 2010 @ 12:53 am
Cheryl, you’re right, of course. Thank you for the reminder
February 27th, 2010 @ 6:56 pm
I just came across your blog and immediately felt inspired. I can’t wait to read more.
As for what lies ahead, the terrifying journeys usually turn out to be the best, the most fulfilling, the most life-changing. And you are doing it! Feel the fear and do it anyway is something that I always come back to.
Thanks for inspiring!
February 28th, 2010 @ 12:00 am
I would wholeheartedly put 10 dollars behind you. The tiny glimmer of your art and writing I have been exposed to leaves me feeling inspired and touched christina.
I took a similar leap of faith a little over a year ago. I quit my very part time day job and vowed to make at least an equal amount of money (as our family required it) from my art. It has been a journey and one filled with excitement and openness and also lots of self doubt. As I juggle being a mother first and foremost it is always a balancing act, but the risk I took is one I have yet to regret. And I doubt I ever will.
February 28th, 2010 @ 2:13 am
I am currently taking steps to “venture out” as it were myself. Getting ready to quit my “day job” and everything that goes with it (i.e. lining up the finances, figuring out how to leave gracefully and quickly, trusting myself and my family enough to give up a little control and believe I’ll be okay…) I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s one of the most terrifying things I have ever done.
I am so inspired by what you are doing. What a great thing to just go for it — put your whole heart into the art and writing that you love so much. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. We’re all rooting for you!
February 28th, 2010 @ 12:02 pm
I agree wholeheartedly with all that’s being said in the comments, especially that you’re already a success by doing all you’ve done so far. The end result will happen, sometimes not in the way we expect it to, but make no mistake Christina — you.will.complete.this.dream. And, I have a hunch, it’s going to be so much bigger and better than ANY of us all can even imagine it to be.
March 1st, 2010 @ 9:27 am
Like Bethany, it’s been naming this thing. Using the word, calling myself a poet. This is silly, but I just had contact cards made up and I put the words “Poet. Writer” on them and it felt as though I had made some HUGE step. And I applied to a workshop with a poet I’ve admired for half my life – I’ve got a signed copy of one of her books dated 1994! – and got in. So now I’ve got to produce some poems, don’t I?
And how funny, I just posted my ode to spring too. We’re on the same latitude, and I get it, I get it…will spring ever come?
March 1st, 2010 @ 7:41 pm
you are exuding such marvelous creative energy! i can’t wait to hear more!
despite my virgo-ish predisposition for practicality, i have found myself out on the tip of a very small branch many times. i may even be addicted to risking it all for passion…it’s exhilarating to give an idea wings.
you are going to do JUST GREAT!
email me your address-i have a little something for you to tack up on your inspiration board…
xo pixie
March 3rd, 2010 @ 10:14 pm
Christina-I love the new look of your blog and I’m sending wishes (and $) your way for your very cool project. xoxo
March 5th, 2010 @ 11:36 pm
The site is looking great. I’m lucky that I have some very very basic CSS and XHTML knowledge from my day job but I still managed to crash my site a few times in the design stage. Sorry for being one of those who was too busy to read blogs for most of February. Am trying to be a more regular reader now. Best of luck with the project.
April 11th, 2010 @ 10:41 pm
[...] I need to more often. Also: I have a hang up about things being frivolous vs. worthy that seems to permeate all aspects of my [...]