August 23::uncertain ordinary (and a list)
Posted on | August 23, 2010 | 10 Comments
Hello there.
I hardly know where to begin tonight. I’ve been playing tag with the delete key. Typing words, then flitting over with my pinky finger to delete them all, and again. It’s a peculiar choreography of indecision and exhaustion: the day was full of talking. Some days are like that, full with friends and family in such a way that the quiet becomes slender mortar in the chinks between the noise, and I want to creep away and scribble little quiet notes onto bits of imaginary paper and slide them into the slight hesitations between hubbub and bustle, between making bread and taking phone calls, meeting a final deadline for work (that job is through now, on to the wild blue yonder of freelance + being a full time student) and sharing lunch with a friend and her wee ones, all the while circling about wiping counters and trying to pinpoint exactly where I am in space.
I am not sure where I am. That is the truth. With this sprained ankle, I haven’t been running and I’ve lost that sense of forward motion that I have when my feet move down the dirt road, the sweet scent of grass drying thick in the air and the crickets singing, every night louder. But it’s not just because I cannot run. Things have been out of the ordinary for so long I no longer really have any memory of what ordinary is.
Uncertainty, on the other hand, I know something of that. This year has pummeled me so often with last minute curveballs and second chances and unexpected offerings that I’ve started to develop a new set of reflexes. I’ve learned to duck and bend, to bow in prayer, to hold my breath and then release it, and then to wake up and carry on with the day without knowing where it will end despite the fact that every ounce of me craves control and certainty and sure outcomes. I’m beginning to understand that we never really have any these things, though sometimes with more resources (time, money, etc.) we successfully concoct elaborate facades that allow us think we do.
But for now it is about this. About facing the uncertainty and saying yes, and saying yes again. It’s about counting up the little things each day and finding the utmost joy in them: the white cat crossing the bridge with a black mouse in her mouth; the red cows chest deep in clover; the corn, taller than my head now tassels waving against the blue, blue sky; the fat four-leaf clover I found when I looked down today at the edge of the field; the apples turning golden and pink and red.
It’s about just going, slowing, being right here with this life. Being.
I’m terrible at it, but I’m learning. I’m learning that it’s okay to never be finished. I am learning that the real blessing is about not being finished.
It’s about having more to do.
Does this make sense at all?
As I gear up for school this week, which feels just as foreign as it would feel to be saying that I am heading for heading to Antarctica or the moon, I have no expectations, only happiness tucked into my pockets, and wonder, and a little trepidation too….and I would like very much to hear what new music you are listening to (so I can make some new mixes for driving) and also what is inspiring you right now.
Mine:
This blog. And this one.
This poem.
This artist.
Some music
A piece of clothing (or a few)
Your turn. : )
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10 Responses to “August 23::uncertain ordinary (and a list)”
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I am Christina Rosalie
Hello. I'm so happy you've stopped by!
I am a multimedia storyteller, digital strategist, idea starter, stalker of wonder, finder of four leaf clovers, MFA graduate student, and mama of boys. My first book,
will be published by SKIRT! Books in September, 2012.
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August 24th, 2010 @ 12:08 am
I don’t really know how you do it, but you do. You have such a talent for being present. I love that “saying yes, and saying yes again” mentality. It certainly has changed my life this year. Yours too, huh? Good luck at school! I am sure you will fit right in and love it. xo!
August 24th, 2010 @ 2:16 am
This rug. I’m in love with it. Just bought it for our play/laundry area. I want to sit and stare at it all day. Not sure that’s really productive but it is inspired! Kind of. http://www.flor.com/service/flor/shop/rug/Toy-Poodle-1-Rug-Kit/R216000030-98485.html
August 24th, 2010 @ 6:46 am
You are one of the most present, most inspiring people I know. You have a real gift for both living and for sharing. I don’t know what I’d do without your wonderful words to live, breathe, assimilate!
August 24th, 2010 @ 9:15 am
i think you summed it up best with this line, “But for now it is about this. About facing the uncertainty and saying yes, and saying yes again.”
facing uncertainty can be the hardest thing to do, especially without letting fear get in the way. say yes, enjoy the stillness and space, and see what happens. i, too, am “practicing” this…
thinking of you on your journey…
August 24th, 2010 @ 10:11 am
I am very glad to have discovered your blog. I find your writing delightful.
I am inspired by you.
I am heading back to work (desk job) after 3 weeks of freedom. I am also heading back to complete and utter chaos – which was just unfolding before I left – which I paid no attention to since I was leaving… but NOW it is time to face the music. I think I have some decisions to make.
August 24th, 2010 @ 11:42 am
“It’s about having more to do.”
I too struggle with this. Sometimes it feels like you’ve put in so much effort and thought that surely, surely you must have reached some point of closure, some point where now, finally, you can step back and relax. Life is always a work in progress and having more to do simply means there are more opportunities to be amazed by this world–this is what I try to remind myself of.
Thanks for sharing this post–and for the blog mention! Your musings are always so articulate and poetic.
August 24th, 2010 @ 12:40 pm
music: playlists lately include …
The BoDeans “Good Things”
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros “Home”
The Avett Brothers cover of “Spanish Pipedream” (and really the whole album its on)
The Black Keys album
Donna the Buffalo “Life is Strange”
John Prine “In Spite of Ourselves,” “Killing the Blues,” “She is My Everything,” “Blue Umbrella,” & “Illegal Smile”
these poems: “The Journey” by Mary Oliver and “I Remember” by Anne Sexton
this book: “West with the Night” by Beryl Markham.
moments: lately i’m inspired to savor a last taste of everything summer – sticky watermelon juice on my chin, jumping into the river off rocks whose modest heights still put butterflies in my stomach, the quiet of the push mower, the heat of the parked car before the a/c kicks in. i want to gather it all up in a box like the butternut squash from my garden to enjoy on the coming cold gray days. that said, i’m also starting to feel the first twinges of anticipation for favorite sweaters, changing leaves, apple picking, and the crackle and pops of an outdoor fire.
August 24th, 2010 @ 2:39 pm
Thank you so much for blessing my soul with this post. That’s the most heartfelt & elegant way I think of to say, “Thanks. You make a difference to me.” I can’t really say what exactly means so much in your words today–maybe the sense I get of a kindred spirit, of a comforting bosom friend who in very tenderly leads the way.
I took a quit snap of some things that have been filling my recent days http://tinyurl.com/236lpzr. I attended a seminar for Carniosacral Therapy for Pediatrics…and hit a fave consignment shop near my parent’s house before I left. Jones of NY denim jacket ($19), Born sandals ($22), Chico sandals ($18), necklace ($11), Longaberger handbag ($26). Sperry’s from the clearance rack + coupon at Bealls ($19). As Ray says, “We can’t afford to save this much money.” Haha! I loved wearing that jacket with a black flax jumper dress I have, the red necklace & the Chico sandals. All I needed was a bottle of Pinot Noir with… never mind. I’m digressing to a place I shouldn’t go! Music: Sam Cooke – Bring It On Home To Me sigh…, Eli Paperboy Reed, Otis Redding.
PS: If you don’t mind my saying, you have the cutest Barney Rubble toes!
August 25th, 2010 @ 10:44 am
The last few years have taught me to live with uncertainty and not be afraid, to relish the freedom and potential of the unknown, to learn not to be ruled by fear of it.
August 28th, 2010 @ 10:24 pm
I am thinking about music this week too and find listing to my iPod on the way to work just refreshing. The last several lights I have slipped out to the backyard to sit under the big bright moon and listening to Celic Twilight – all the vols. and especially Lorenna McKennit. It is just transporting and melts away the stress! Best of luck with school and freelance work.